The Love Story
Love’s Resolve - Ruth 1
A little history - Naomi, along with her husband, Elimelech, and two sons left Bethlehem because of a severe famine. They settled in Moab where her two sons married Moabite women – Orpah and Ruth. Naomi’s husband and two sons died while they were in Moab. Once Naomi heard that the famine was over she wanted to return to Bethlehem and Ruth joined her.
Ruth makes one of the most significant commitments in the Bible when she tells Naomi she will return to Bethlehem with her. Ruth 1:16-17 – But Ruth said: "Entreat me not to leave you, Or to turn back from following after you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, And there will I be buried. The LORD do so unto me, and more also, if [anything but] death parts you and me."
Why is this so significant? Ruth not only chose a life with Naomi. She turned her back on her old way of life including her home, her family, her culture and her religion. Moab was a pagan culture.
Love’s Response - Ruth 2
As the younger person, Ruth goes into the fields to glean. Since neither of them were married, their only source of food was to glean in the fields of the wealthy land owners. Ruth, unknowingly happened on Boaz’s field and began gleaning there.
The Law of Gleaning: Deut. 24:19-22 - “When you reap your harvest in your field, and forget a sheaf in the field, you shall not go back to get it; it shall be for the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands...you shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt; therefore I command you to do this thing.”
Boaz inquires about Ruth’s identity and an unnamed servant introduces her as Naomi’s daughter-in-law. Boaz had heard of her kindness and devotion to Naomi and tells Ruth to return only to his fields to glean. He even instructs his workers to deliberately leave some barley behind for Ruth.
Love’s Request - Ruth 3
When Naomi discovers Ruth has found favor with Boaz, Naomi realizes that Boaz, being one of her husband’s kinsman, can marry Ruth and redeem the land.
Law of the Levirate Marriage: Deut. 25:5-10 - “When brothers live together and one of them dies and has no son, the wife of the deceased shall not be married outside the family to a strange man. Her husband's brother shall go in to her and take her to himself as wife and perform the duty of a husband's brother to her. It shall be that the firstborn whom she bears shall assume the name of his dead brother, so that his name will not be blotted out from Israel. But if the man does not desire to take his brother's wife, then his brother's wife shall go up to the gate to the elders and say, 'My husband's brother refuses to establish a name for his brother in Israel; he is not willing to perform the duty of a husband's brother to me. Then the elders of his city shall summon him and speak to him. And if he persists and says, 'I do not desire to take her, then his brother's wife shall come to him in the sight of the elders, and pull his sandal off his foot and spit in his face; and she shall declare, 'Thus it is done to the man who does not build up his brother's house. In Israel his name shall be called, 'The house of him whose sandal is removed.”
Naomi instructs Ruth to go to the threshing floor and wait until Boaz goes to sleep, then uncover his feet and lie down at his feet and then he will tell her what to do.
The Threshing Floor Scene - Boaz discovers Ruth lying at his feet. There is nothing immoral going on. When Ruth asks Boaz to cover her with the hem of his garment, she is really asking him to marry her and redeem the land for Naomi. This was not an elicit gesture on Ruth’s part. In Jewish tradition being covered by the hem of another person’s garment simply meant that person had authority over you and will protect you. He tells her that he will but there is a nearer kinsman who must first be given the opportunity to do so. Boaz sends Ruth back to Naomi with 6 measures of barley - an indication to Naomi that Boaz will determine that day who will marry Ruth and redeem the land. She knows this because God created the Earth in 6 days - therefore the symbolism of 6 indicated Boaz would not rest before the matter was resolved.
Love’s Reward - Ruth 4
The requirements for the kinsman redeemer - 1) he had to be a kinsman, 2) he had to be able to perform, 3) he must be willing, & 4) he must assume ALL of the obligation.
The Law of Redemption - Lev. 25:47-50 - “Now if a sojourner or stranger close to you becomes rich, and [one of] your brethren [who dwells] by him becomes poor, and sells himself to the stranger [or] sojourner close to you, or to a member of the stranger's family, after he is sold he may be redeemed again. One of his brothers may redeem him; or his uncle or his uncle's son may redeem him; or [anyone] who is near of kin to him in his family may redeem him; or if he is able he may redeem himself.”
Boaz goes to the city gate (like the city council) and meets the nearer kinsman. The nearer kinsman met all the criteria except he did not want to marry Ruth (which was part of the package) b/c he would lose his inheritance (because she was a Gentile). So the nearer kinsman took off his shoe and gave it to Boaz as a symbol of his yielding the opportunity/obligation. Therefore, Boaz purchased Ruth as his bride and returned the land to Naomi.
The lineage of David - includes 2 very important Gentile women:
Salman – Rahab (she sheltered Joshua’s spies from the Jericho army)
Boaz - Ruth
Obed
Jesse
David
Who’s Who?
1. Boaz is the Lord of the harvest and he is also the kinsman redeemer. Therefore, Boaz is a type or foreshadowing of Jesus. Naomi typifies Israel. She was out of the land; through his redemption, she was brought back into the land. Ruth was the Gentile bride, a type of the Church.
2. In order for Ruth to be joined to Naomi, Naomi had to be exiled from her land. The Jews were exiled from their land to the four corners of the earth for nearly 2,000 years. They have now returned to the Promised Land near the end of the Church Age. The nearer kinsman couldn’t take Ruth; it was against the law for an Israelite to marry a Moabite. But what the law could not do, grace did. Incidentally, Ruth did not replace Naomi. They are different; they are distinctive. Israel and the Church are distinctive; different origins, different missions. Ruth learned the laws of Israel through Naomi, a Jew. We Gentiles learn the ways of God by understanding the Jewish Scriptures. We worship a Jewish King in a Church composed of Jewish leaders using a Jewish Bible as our authority. In the threshing floor scene, no matter how much Boaz loved Ruth, he had to respond to her move. And Boaz took it upon himself to be her advocate; he was her intercessor He confronted the nearer kinsman.
You and I are also beneficiaries of a similar love story that was written in blood on a wooden cross, erected in Judea almost 2,000 years ago.
Naomi = Israel
Ruth = The Church
Boaz = Jesus
Unnamed servant = The Holy Spirit
3. Jesus - Our Kinsman Redeemer - Revelation 5
1) He is A kinsman of Adam, 2) He was able to perform, 3) He was willing, & 4) He assumed ALL of the obligation.
Revelation 5 is about the Seven-Sealed Scroll - The Title Deed to the Earth. We know this is a deed because the scroll has writing on both sides. But no man was found to claim the Deed. It had to be a man. John sobbed convulsively because no man was found to redeem the Earth. But wait! There is one who has prevailed to open the scroll and loose the seals thereof. “Behold, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book.” And that unfolds the story of Ruth. It has to be a kinsman; he has to be able; he has to be willing; he must assume all the obligations; and indeed, He has. “It is finished,” He proclaimed.
I hope you've enjoyed this amazing little book in the Old Testament. It's one of my favorite stories in the Bible.
References:
1. Ruth 1-4
2. Revelation 5
3. Learn the Bible in 24 Hours by Chuck Missler
4. Ruth Commentary by Chuck Missler
5. www.khouse.org
Friday, July 13, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Love Story - Part 1
This is going to be a two-part post! I feel it's too long for a single post and I'm afraid I'll lose you before I'm done! :) It's a wonderful story and I hope it touches your heart as it has mine!
I have been asked some pretty tough questions by a close relative about my religious beliefs. And he's not the only one who has those questions...he was just honest and brave enough to ask them. I see people posting all kinds of things on Facebook regarding their religious beliefs that are not Christ-centered. It makes me really sad that many so easily believe when a speaker/author/scientist states that God doesn't exist. It takes a leap of faith to believe in his non-existence. So why not take a leap of faith and seek His face? You might be surprised what you find. However, believing in His existence is only the first step. He wants you to have a personal relationship with His Son so you can spend eternity with Him. But you have to open you heart and mind completely! Give it a chance! He loves us beyond our wildest imagination!
So here's the story I want to share with all of you! It's not the typical Gospel story and I hope it will help you see Jesus in another aspect of who He is!
The Back Story
Why are we separated from God? Why did Jesus have to be the atoning sacrifice? The answer to the first is sin. But some people don't think sin exists. All I can say about that is take a look at the prison population in America and I think it's pretty evident that it does. None of us is perfect and we all make mistakes. Unfortunately others pay for those mistakes sometimes. In Genesis 3 the fall of Man is outline for us. Because of Adam and Eve's disobedience we are separated from God. But what about Genesis 1 where Man was created to rule over the earth? Do we really reign over the earth today? I guess you could say in some ways we do. But no one lives forever and then someone else takes their job. Technically, the Earth is currently Satan's domain. He was cast to the earth after He tried to be more powerful than God. He is working steadily to try to thwart God's plan. He hasn't succeeded yet nor will he ever. God has a bigger plan and it's completely perfect. Here's how God takes the Earth back and provides for man to reign on Earth with His Son. As it was always meant to be! Jesus was NOT plan B. This story answers the question of why Jesus was our atoning sacrifice.
A Revelation - The Title Deed to the Earth
"Then I saw in the right hand of him who sat on the throne a scroll with writing on both sides and sealed with seven seals. And I saw a mighty angel proclaiming in a loud voice, "Who is worthy to break the seals and open the scroll?" But no one in heaven or on earth or under the earth could open the scroll or even look inside it. I wept and wept because no one was found who was worthy to open the scroll or look inside. Then one of the elders said to me, "Do not weep! See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has triumphed. He is able to open the scroll and its seven seals. Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing in the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. He had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God sent out into all the earth. He came and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne. And when he had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints. And they sang a new song: "You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth." Revelation 5:1-10
A Love Story - Introduction
The Book of Ruth is a classic love story of loyalty and devotion and yet it also contains some surprising insights that go far beyond the historical narrative itself.
We get a glimpse into life in ancient Bethlehem. This is very important considering Bethlehem is also the Town of David and the city where Jesus would be born centuries later. This glimpse includes the Laws of Gleaning, Levirate Marriage and Redemption.
The main characters are significant representations of Jesus, Israel, the Holy Spirit and The Church. This is especially important because The Church is not actually revealed in the Old Testament.
The introduction of the “Kinsman Redeemer.” This aspect of the story is vital to understanding Revelation 5.
To be continued...you'll love the story of Ruth and Boaz!
References:
Chuck Missler's Ruth Commentary
Genesis 1; 3
Ruth 1-4
Revelation 1
I have been asked some pretty tough questions by a close relative about my religious beliefs. And he's not the only one who has those questions...he was just honest and brave enough to ask them. I see people posting all kinds of things on Facebook regarding their religious beliefs that are not Christ-centered. It makes me really sad that many so easily believe when a speaker/author/scientist states that God doesn't exist. It takes a leap of faith to believe in his non-existence. So why not take a leap of faith and seek His face? You might be surprised what you find. However, believing in His existence is only the first step. He wants you to have a personal relationship with His Son so you can spend eternity with Him. But you have to open you heart and mind completely! Give it a chance! He loves us beyond our wildest imagination!
So here's the story I want to share with all of you! It's not the typical Gospel story and I hope it will help you see Jesus in another aspect of who He is!
The Back Story
Why are we separated from God? Why did Jesus have to be the atoning sacrifice? The answer to the first is sin. But some people don't think sin exists. All I can say about that is take a look at the prison population in America and I think it's pretty evident that it does. None of us is perfect and we all make mistakes. Unfortunately others pay for those mistakes sometimes. In Genesis 3 the fall of Man is outline for us. Because of Adam and Eve's disobedience we are separated from God. But what about Genesis 1 where Man was created to rule over the earth? Do we really reign over the earth today? I guess you could say in some ways we do. But no one lives forever and then someone else takes their job. Technically, the Earth is currently Satan's domain. He was cast to the earth after He tried to be more powerful than God. He is working steadily to try to thwart God's plan. He hasn't succeeded yet nor will he ever. God has a bigger plan and it's completely perfect. Here's how God takes the Earth back and provides for man to reign on Earth with His Son. As it was always meant to be! Jesus was NOT plan B. This story answers the question of why Jesus was our atoning sacrifice.
A Revelation - The Title Deed to the Earth
"Then I saw in the right hand of him who sat on the throne a scroll with writing on both sides and sealed with seven seals. And I saw a mighty angel proclaiming in a loud voice, "Who is worthy to break the seals and open the scroll?" But no one in heaven or on earth or under the earth could open the scroll or even look inside it. I wept and wept because no one was found who was worthy to open the scroll or look inside. Then one of the elders said to me, "Do not weep! See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has triumphed. He is able to open the scroll and its seven seals. Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing in the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. He had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God sent out into all the earth. He came and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne. And when he had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints. And they sang a new song: "You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth." Revelation 5:1-10
A Love Story - Introduction
The Book of Ruth is a classic love story of loyalty and devotion and yet it also contains some surprising insights that go far beyond the historical narrative itself.
We get a glimpse into life in ancient Bethlehem. This is very important considering Bethlehem is also the Town of David and the city where Jesus would be born centuries later. This glimpse includes the Laws of Gleaning, Levirate Marriage and Redemption.
The main characters are significant representations of Jesus, Israel, the Holy Spirit and The Church. This is especially important because The Church is not actually revealed in the Old Testament.
The introduction of the “Kinsman Redeemer.” This aspect of the story is vital to understanding Revelation 5.
To be continued...you'll love the story of Ruth and Boaz!
References:
Chuck Missler's Ruth Commentary
Genesis 1; 3
Ruth 1-4
Revelation 1
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
A Heavy Heart
Becoming a parent (biologically or by adoption) changes everything. We all know that. No one can prepare you for parenthood...it just doesn't happen that way. Our family is no different...I'm no exception. Garon has brought more joy to us than we could ever have imagined. But he also brought with him this incredible responsibility that has scared me to death. Over the past few months he had really soaked up everything in the world around him. He repeats actions and phrases as though he knows exactly what he's doing...and maybe he does. It has made me stop and think about EVERYTHING I say and do. It's like he's a little walking conscience! This is one of those surprises I wasn't prepared for. I don't want him to suffer for mistakes I have made and will continue to make in raising him. I am constantly asking God not to let me mess this up because I know I'm quite capable of it.
I think most of us have our parents on a pedestal mostly because the love shared between a parent and child is like no other. Although I know my parents are not perfect by any means I definitely feel very blessed to be their daughter. I hope Garon will feel that way about us when he's an adult. My parents lived an incredible Christian example in front of my sister and me. We are Christians because they ensured we met Jesus through them and at church. Garon's salvation is my main priority. When Garon accepts Jesus as his Savior I will know the most important part of my Mama-job will have been completed. But then I will have the responsibility of making sure he understands that being a child of God is a daily walk. I think that is the toughest part. It's easy to say I'm a Christian but living it day in and day out is tough. Things happen and we get distracted. We lose our footing and slip into bad habits. We all do it. I'm so thankful that Jesus has promised to help me and catch me when I fall...and mostly hold me accountable when I make mistakes. He doesn't promise an easy road but He will be there every step of the way.
I think part of the reason this has bothered me so much lately is that I see and hear so many worldly things being brought into the Church. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I want Garon to go to Church to worship not be entertained with various multimedia presentations and the latest and greatest playground equipment. None of that gets you to Heaven. There's a time and a place for everything and it really concerns me that the Church, ours included, is being diluted with worldly activities. We have replaced quality Bible study with watching DVDs. When did that become the standard? I don't think they are all bad but I also believe that it is not a replacement for digging into The Word itself with fellow believers. The Body of Christ and the world is starving for the Gospel but it has become unpopular to preach it and live it. It makes me really sad. We all deserve better than that and most importantly, God deserves better.
So, after that little tangent, I'm very concerned about the world my son will grow up in. As Christians we are continuously being argued down by believers & non-believers who are very convincing because we don't possess the Bible knowledge we need to stand against it. That terrifies me for Garon. Will he get bogged down in the lukewarm Christianity or have a daily walk with God? The odds of this world are against him. But my earnest prayer is that he will be a "man after God's own heart" and that the light of Jesus will shine in every aspect of his life. I know Jesus doesn't always shine in mine but I hope others will see some semblance of his grace in me. It's the least I can do for the Savior who died to set me free.
If you've never experience the intimate walk with Jesus, I can assure you there is no describing the love, peace and joy that comes with it.
I hope this does not sound like a holier-than-thou sermon. I just have carried this burden around for a few months and felt I should share it with fellow parents.
Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son [to be] the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:10
Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. John 14:6
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. Matthew 5:16
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
-love-
Laura
I think most of us have our parents on a pedestal mostly because the love shared between a parent and child is like no other. Although I know my parents are not perfect by any means I definitely feel very blessed to be their daughter. I hope Garon will feel that way about us when he's an adult. My parents lived an incredible Christian example in front of my sister and me. We are Christians because they ensured we met Jesus through them and at church. Garon's salvation is my main priority. When Garon accepts Jesus as his Savior I will know the most important part of my Mama-job will have been completed. But then I will have the responsibility of making sure he understands that being a child of God is a daily walk. I think that is the toughest part. It's easy to say I'm a Christian but living it day in and day out is tough. Things happen and we get distracted. We lose our footing and slip into bad habits. We all do it. I'm so thankful that Jesus has promised to help me and catch me when I fall...and mostly hold me accountable when I make mistakes. He doesn't promise an easy road but He will be there every step of the way.
I think part of the reason this has bothered me so much lately is that I see and hear so many worldly things being brought into the Church. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I want Garon to go to Church to worship not be entertained with various multimedia presentations and the latest and greatest playground equipment. None of that gets you to Heaven. There's a time and a place for everything and it really concerns me that the Church, ours included, is being diluted with worldly activities. We have replaced quality Bible study with watching DVDs. When did that become the standard? I don't think they are all bad but I also believe that it is not a replacement for digging into The Word itself with fellow believers. The Body of Christ and the world is starving for the Gospel but it has become unpopular to preach it and live it. It makes me really sad. We all deserve better than that and most importantly, God deserves better.
So, after that little tangent, I'm very concerned about the world my son will grow up in. As Christians we are continuously being argued down by believers & non-believers who are very convincing because we don't possess the Bible knowledge we need to stand against it. That terrifies me for Garon. Will he get bogged down in the lukewarm Christianity or have a daily walk with God? The odds of this world are against him. But my earnest prayer is that he will be a "man after God's own heart" and that the light of Jesus will shine in every aspect of his life. I know Jesus doesn't always shine in mine but I hope others will see some semblance of his grace in me. It's the least I can do for the Savior who died to set me free.
If you've never experience the intimate walk with Jesus, I can assure you there is no describing the love, peace and joy that comes with it.
I hope this does not sound like a holier-than-thou sermon. I just have carried this burden around for a few months and felt I should share it with fellow parents.
Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son [to be] the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:10
Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. John 14:6
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. Matthew 5:16
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
-love-
Laura
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Forever Ours
As of Friday, June 17, 2011, Garon is legally our son. We are forever grateful that God chose us to be his parents and we are humbled by His perfect plan for bringing him to us. We are also very grateful to everyone who made it possible for us - financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually - to embark on this amazing adoption journey. As I sat in church this morning, I thought how miraculous it is that we are his family and that without God's intervention he most likely would not have been in church this morning. I believe God has a very special plan for his life and I'm honored to be a part of it.
When our attorney's office called Wednesday the 15th to see if we could finalize two days later, we were shocked. We never dreamed the chancellor could see us so quickly. Adoption hearings are considered ex parte and cases are heard on a first come, first serve basis. So, we arrived at 8:00 hoping to be one of the first cases. Our attorney came out of the office and said we were first...we were so excited!!!! We went back to the chancellor's chambers, were sworn in and he signed the order stating that we are his forever parents and legally changing his name to the name we have given him. His signing the order seemed so simple compared to all we've been through over the past 15 months.
The entire day was wonderful - it really was one the best days ever. Our families and our social worker were able to be at the hearing with us making the day even more special. And Garon was absolutely perfect the entire time. We are so proud of him and the person he will become. People keep telling us how lucky & blessed he is - but I feel it's we who are blessed. He has forever changed us and we love him more each day. I'm not sure when it happened but his life has become vital to mine. I just don't think my heart would beat without him.
Baby boy, you are more loved than you can know!!
When our attorney's office called Wednesday the 15th to see if we could finalize two days later, we were shocked. We never dreamed the chancellor could see us so quickly. Adoption hearings are considered ex parte and cases are heard on a first come, first serve basis. So, we arrived at 8:00 hoping to be one of the first cases. Our attorney came out of the office and said we were first...we were so excited!!!! We went back to the chancellor's chambers, were sworn in and he signed the order stating that we are his forever parents and legally changing his name to the name we have given him. His signing the order seemed so simple compared to all we've been through over the past 15 months.
The entire day was wonderful - it really was one the best days ever. Our families and our social worker were able to be at the hearing with us making the day even more special. And Garon was absolutely perfect the entire time. We are so proud of him and the person he will become. People keep telling us how lucky & blessed he is - but I feel it's we who are blessed. He has forever changed us and we love him more each day. I'm not sure when it happened but his life has become vital to mine. I just don't think my heart would beat without him.
Baby boy, you are more loved than you can know!!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Best 6 Months of My Life
As I sit here holding my sweet boy, I can’t believe he will be 6 months old Friday! It seems so impossible!!! I keep asking myself what happened to the tiny newborn he once was. He is now my sitting, baby food-eating, spitting, laughing, noise-making, cooing, talking, playing, rolling, wiggling, scooting baby boy. He has changed so much over the past few weeks and has really come out of shell. He is constantly making a noise of some kind and he finds it quite entertaining. I took him to the doctor last week for a cold and he weighed 16 lbs. 7 oz. and was 25 inches long. He has grown so much and has the cutest chubby baby legs ever!
June is a very special month for several reasons. Not only will Garon be 6 months old, but Granna has a birthday, Jason will have his very first Father’s Day, and we get to finalize the adoption! Everything is complete - we are just waiting for a hearing date with the judge. It seems so strange that a year ago we didn’t even know about Garon and now we have come to the point where a judge will declare him forever-legally ours! There are no words to express how I feel about that. However, most of the time I forget that he isn’t legally ours yet. It’s kinda weird…we’ve cared for this little person for 6 months while the adoption agency actually has custody of him. I have come to think of myself as his Mama now. It was hard for me to stop thinking of his birthmother as his mom. I don’t know why since she doesn’t live anywhere near us. I have no idea if that’s normal or not! But that feeling has faded.
Please pray for our family as we prepare for the final step in the adoption process and as we continue on our journey as a family of three. We are blessed beyond anything we ever hoped for!
Here are some recent pictures of our baby boy! We are completely smitten with him!
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
June is a very special month for several reasons. Not only will Garon be 6 months old, but Granna has a birthday, Jason will have his very first Father’s Day, and we get to finalize the adoption! Everything is complete - we are just waiting for a hearing date with the judge. It seems so strange that a year ago we didn’t even know about Garon and now we have come to the point where a judge will declare him forever-legally ours! There are no words to express how I feel about that. However, most of the time I forget that he isn’t legally ours yet. It’s kinda weird…we’ve cared for this little person for 6 months while the adoption agency actually has custody of him. I have come to think of myself as his Mama now. It was hard for me to stop thinking of his birthmother as his mom. I don’t know why since she doesn’t live anywhere near us. I have no idea if that’s normal or not! But that feeling has faded.
Please pray for our family as we prepare for the final step in the adoption process and as we continue on our journey as a family of three. We are blessed beyond anything we ever hoped for!
Here are some recent pictures of our baby boy! We are completely smitten with him!
Friday, June 3, 2011
The Fragrance of Worship
Those who know me well, know that I’m an avid reader. I love a great story whether fiction or non-fiction, religious or secular. I recently read I Will Carry You by Angie Smith (an eloquently written story of finding joy through grief). In this book she weaves the story of Lazarus in with the story of her daughter, Audrey. Her re-telling of the story of Lazarus opened my eyes and my heart to completely new aspects faith, worship and how much we are truly loved by the Savior who gave His life so we could spend eternity with Him. Anyway…if you tend to get weepy, get a Kleenex handy!
Disclaimer: I can’t tell the story as well as she did!!!
First of all, I encourage you to go back and read the story of Lazarus in the Bible which can be found in John 11 & 12.
Ok…now that you’re back! Let’s dig in!!!
For a little time perspective, these events take place shortly before the Triumphal Entry (when Jesus presents Himself as The King of the Jews – fulfilled on the exact date prophesied in Daniel 9:25 – which is a story for another time). He was crucified less than a week later.
When Mary & Martha sent the message to Jesus regarding Lazarus’ illness, the message simply said: “Lord, behold, he whom you love is sick.” There is so much faith in this simple statement. First of all they addressed Jesus as “Lord” which lets us know that they know He is the Son of God. And that is followed by “he whom you love is sick.” They didn’t say the one who loves you or tell Jesus it was Lazarus. This indicates they knew Jesus would know exactly of whom they were speaking. And they knew Jesus loved Lazarus. And the statement was just that – a statement. There were no specific requests. Their faith in Jesus was that He would know what to do with the information with which they provided Him. We so often give God a laundry list of things we want Him to do to solve our problem – regardless of what that problem is. I don’t think I have ever just told God the problem and just sat back and waited to see what He would do. I always have various solutions and I tell Him what I would like for Him to do to fix it!!! I know I was very guilty of this with our adoption. I poured out my heart to God all the things I wished for our child. I do believe God cares what is in our hearts whether it is faith or doubt. He knows our human nature and loves us as we are. But He also knows what is best for us without our help. And yes, God answered so many of the prayers I had prayed but He also answered ones I didn’t know to pray for. And that’s what Jesus did here with Mary and Martha’s request – they just couldn’t see it yet.
When Jesus received their message he waited two days before leaving where He was to go to Judea – where they were. In John 11:4 Jesus said “…This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” When Jesus arrived at the gate of the city He already knew Lazarus had died. Both Mary and Martha greeted Jesus (separately) with tears telling Him that if He had been there sooner Lazarus would still be alive. But they also told Him they still believed that the Father would do anything He asked of Him. Jesus said to Martha in John 11:25-26 “…I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die…” When Mary comes to Jesus and He sees her tears and the tears of the Jews who were present, He weeps. He was not crying because Lazarus was dead - He knew he would be resurrected shortly. He was greatly saddened by the fact that they couldn’t know what He knew. He was sad because of our separation from Him. But in just a few days, He would be crucified and bear our sin so that sin would no longer separate us from Him.
When they reached the tomb, Jesus instructed them to roll the stone away from the tomb. But Martha told Jesus there would be an odor because Lazarus had been dead for four days. Then in verse 40 “Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?’” How often to we offer excuses not to be obedient and roll the stone away because we are afraid of the “odor” beyond the stone? And by not doing so we miss out on seeing “the glory of God.” But they followed Jesus’ command and rolled the stone away. And in order that those present would believe that He was the Son of God, he commanded Lazarus to come out of the tomb…and he did!!! And everyone present saw “the glory of God.”
In John 12:1-8, they gave a dinner for Jesus following Lazarus’ resurrection. This is six days before Passover (Jesus was crucified on Passover). Martha served the dinner while Mary anointed Jesus’ feet with oil. John 12:3 reads “Mary therefore took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.” At a time when women were not allowed to show their hair in front of men, Mary took her hair down and wiped the feet of her Savior with her hair. She laid it all on the altar for Him. Her actions were not of disrespect but of pure worship. He had raised her brother from the dead and she was simply worshiping Him for who He is. And the house was filled with the fragrance of her worship.
A pound of perfume is A LOT. Our perfume bottles today are measured in fluid ounces. Can you imagine how strong the fragrance would be if you broke one of your perfume bottles in your house? The perfumes in Jesus’ time were especially strong (and very expensive – the perfume Mary used could have been sold for 300 denarii) because people did not bathe daily like we do. The fragrance would last several days and a little would go a long way. Nevertheless, Mary used a pound of perfume. Judas admonished Mary for being wasteful with the expensive perfume. But Jesus told him to leave her alone so that she could keep the remaining oil for his burial.
The following day Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey – The Triumphal Entry. When He rode into town He carried the scent of her worship. When He was crucified a few days later, He was still carrying the scent of her worship. When Mary visited with family and friends following Jesus’ death, she also carried the scent of her worship in her hair. Everywhere she went the fragrance was with her. As she mourned her Savior, the fragrance of her worship surrounded her. Do we carry the fragrance of our worship with us? Do others see evidence of us having been with our Savior? Do we carry that fragrance in good times and in bad? Sometimes we have to roll the stone away to see “the glory of God.” I have truly seen “the glory of God” in the gift of my son. I hope each time you roll your stones away you will see His glory as well!
“He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20
Disclaimer: I can’t tell the story as well as she did!!!
First of all, I encourage you to go back and read the story of Lazarus in the Bible which can be found in John 11 & 12.
Ok…now that you’re back! Let’s dig in!!!
For a little time perspective, these events take place shortly before the Triumphal Entry (when Jesus presents Himself as The King of the Jews – fulfilled on the exact date prophesied in Daniel 9:25 – which is a story for another time). He was crucified less than a week later.
When Mary & Martha sent the message to Jesus regarding Lazarus’ illness, the message simply said: “Lord, behold, he whom you love is sick.” There is so much faith in this simple statement. First of all they addressed Jesus as “Lord” which lets us know that they know He is the Son of God. And that is followed by “he whom you love is sick.” They didn’t say the one who loves you or tell Jesus it was Lazarus. This indicates they knew Jesus would know exactly of whom they were speaking. And they knew Jesus loved Lazarus. And the statement was just that – a statement. There were no specific requests. Their faith in Jesus was that He would know what to do with the information with which they provided Him. We so often give God a laundry list of things we want Him to do to solve our problem – regardless of what that problem is. I don’t think I have ever just told God the problem and just sat back and waited to see what He would do. I always have various solutions and I tell Him what I would like for Him to do to fix it!!! I know I was very guilty of this with our adoption. I poured out my heart to God all the things I wished for our child. I do believe God cares what is in our hearts whether it is faith or doubt. He knows our human nature and loves us as we are. But He also knows what is best for us without our help. And yes, God answered so many of the prayers I had prayed but He also answered ones I didn’t know to pray for. And that’s what Jesus did here with Mary and Martha’s request – they just couldn’t see it yet.
When Jesus received their message he waited two days before leaving where He was to go to Judea – where they were. In John 11:4 Jesus said “…This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” When Jesus arrived at the gate of the city He already knew Lazarus had died. Both Mary and Martha greeted Jesus (separately) with tears telling Him that if He had been there sooner Lazarus would still be alive. But they also told Him they still believed that the Father would do anything He asked of Him. Jesus said to Martha in John 11:25-26 “…I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die…” When Mary comes to Jesus and He sees her tears and the tears of the Jews who were present, He weeps. He was not crying because Lazarus was dead - He knew he would be resurrected shortly. He was greatly saddened by the fact that they couldn’t know what He knew. He was sad because of our separation from Him. But in just a few days, He would be crucified and bear our sin so that sin would no longer separate us from Him.
When they reached the tomb, Jesus instructed them to roll the stone away from the tomb. But Martha told Jesus there would be an odor because Lazarus had been dead for four days. Then in verse 40 “Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?’” How often to we offer excuses not to be obedient and roll the stone away because we are afraid of the “odor” beyond the stone? And by not doing so we miss out on seeing “the glory of God.” But they followed Jesus’ command and rolled the stone away. And in order that those present would believe that He was the Son of God, he commanded Lazarus to come out of the tomb…and he did!!! And everyone present saw “the glory of God.”
In John 12:1-8, they gave a dinner for Jesus following Lazarus’ resurrection. This is six days before Passover (Jesus was crucified on Passover). Martha served the dinner while Mary anointed Jesus’ feet with oil. John 12:3 reads “Mary therefore took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.” At a time when women were not allowed to show their hair in front of men, Mary took her hair down and wiped the feet of her Savior with her hair. She laid it all on the altar for Him. Her actions were not of disrespect but of pure worship. He had raised her brother from the dead and she was simply worshiping Him for who He is. And the house was filled with the fragrance of her worship.
A pound of perfume is A LOT. Our perfume bottles today are measured in fluid ounces. Can you imagine how strong the fragrance would be if you broke one of your perfume bottles in your house? The perfumes in Jesus’ time were especially strong (and very expensive – the perfume Mary used could have been sold for 300 denarii) because people did not bathe daily like we do. The fragrance would last several days and a little would go a long way. Nevertheless, Mary used a pound of perfume. Judas admonished Mary for being wasteful with the expensive perfume. But Jesus told him to leave her alone so that she could keep the remaining oil for his burial.
The following day Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey – The Triumphal Entry. When He rode into town He carried the scent of her worship. When He was crucified a few days later, He was still carrying the scent of her worship. When Mary visited with family and friends following Jesus’ death, she also carried the scent of her worship in her hair. Everywhere she went the fragrance was with her. As she mourned her Savior, the fragrance of her worship surrounded her. Do we carry the fragrance of our worship with us? Do others see evidence of us having been with our Savior? Do we carry that fragrance in good times and in bad? Sometimes we have to roll the stone away to see “the glory of God.” I have truly seen “the glory of God” in the gift of my son. I hope each time you roll your stones away you will see His glory as well!
“He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” Ephesians 3:20
Thursday, May 26, 2011
He's coming...
2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.
This is today's verse on Daily Bible. It is one of my absolute favorites. It is a window into God's love for us. We as Christians sometimes say we wish Jesus would hurry and come get us. I am definitely looking forward to that day. But we shouldn't rush Him. He is patiently waiting for all those who will walk with Him and invite Him into their hearts. He loves us all so much that He doesn't want a single one of us to perish. But at some point time will run out. Is He still waiting for you?
This is today's verse on Daily Bible. It is one of my absolute favorites. It is a window into God's love for us. We as Christians sometimes say we wish Jesus would hurry and come get us. I am definitely looking forward to that day. But we shouldn't rush Him. He is patiently waiting for all those who will walk with Him and invite Him into their hearts. He loves us all so much that He doesn't want a single one of us to perish. But at some point time will run out. Is He still waiting for you?
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Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Baby Blues
I personally know more than a dozen women who have suffered from infertility or have lost at least one child by miscarriage or stillbirth. These women are not internet acquaintances but women who are friends, co-workers and family members. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s a lot considering I’m not an extremely socially-active person. One of those friends emailed me on Facebook several weeks ago about her experiences with infertility and how reading about my experience has helped her. Although, I hoped my blog would help someone in someway, I never really expected it to. Since it has helped her, I hope that God has used my blog to comfort others as well. So this blog post is dedicated to my sweet friend who is suffering so greatly but is walking by faith on this very difficult journey.
If you have never suffered any of the above-mentioned heartaches, I hope you never do. However, no one can begin to imagine the private pain and suffering we have been through. Part of me wonders if we ever completely heal from it. It think maybe it leaves scars to show us how far we’ve come...especially where Jesus has carried us. Obviously, some of us have deeper scars than others and we all handle the grief differently. And yes, grief. Many people don’t realize that with infertility there is a significant amount grieving. We all associate grief with the loss of a baby but maybe not with the loss of the hope for a baby. Hope is so vital to our very being that without hope it is quite easy to find yourself quickly slipping into despair. I am a living, breathing testament that God’s love carried me though those dark days. I am still amazed by how much He loves me because I definitely do not deserve it. He answered EVERY prayer with His perfect plan with His perfect timing. I’m completely baffled by how non-Christians go through life without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. How do they make it during tough times without Him in their hearts? How do they make sense of a personal loss or natural disaster?
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
Unfortunately, grief is something we all become acquainted with at some point in our lives. Each person grieves differently and for various reasons. We mostly associate grief with the death of someone we love – a parent, grandparent, sibling, spouse, child, friend or pet. My personal experiences with grieving have consisted of burying two grandparents, an infant cousin, 3 beloved pets and my dream of having a biological child.
Not that I think I could ever really prepare for grieving my family members and pets who have gone to heaven but it is a very natural grieving experience – one that everyone expects and understands. However, I was not at all prepared for the extraordinarily profound grief I would experience when burying my dream of having a biological child.
I have always wanted a child. I have never really thought about how many children I would have just that I wanted to have them. The natural thoughts of every woman is that you get pregnant and give birth to a biological child. That’s how we are designed and it’s supposed to work that way. I have known for more than 12 years that it would be difficult, if not impossible, for us to have a baby of our own. But, when you are 18 years old and not ready for a baby it feels differently than it does when you are 30 and ready for one.
One by one family members and friends were having babies and my desire for that mother-baby bond was growing stronger. I had researched options for us having a biological child. The only procedure I could find that had been successful for couples where the male spouse has Kartagener’s Syndrome was IVF with intracytoplasmic sperm injection. In April 2008, my OB-GYN tested my husband and confirmed this would be our only option for having our own child. We were not devastated by this news – we expected it. We were really just in the beginning stages of talking about “starting a family.” We talked about this option and adoption. Both were very expensive and we were very apprehensive about the IVF procedure. We were concerned about passing on a genetic condition to our child and IVF increases that risk. We did not want to knowingly create a baby with a birth defect of any kind, especially knowing the family history.
At what point did the grief really begin? I’m not really sure. I know that each time someone I knew announced their new addition my heart ached a little more. It isn’t that I wasn’t happy for them – I was just sad for us. Sad that we weren’t experiencing the joy that comes with knowing that you will soon be parents to a perfect bundle of joy. I soon realized that the other women I knew were so overjoyed with their exciting news that they seemed to forget the sadness of our situation. I don’t think it was purposefully overlooked at all. We all get caught up in ourselves and our own lives and we forget about the pain others are experiencing. I am guilty of that too. I also tried very hard to put on a very brave face and not let my emotions show. I was very private about our experience and that may have contributed to some of the unintentional unkind words. I was grieving and didn’t even realize it. I look back now and see the progression of that grief and wonder if I had recognized it for what it was maybe I would not have had the major meltdown I experienced several months ago.
My world came to a crashing halt when a family member announced her pregnancy with very little thought or consideration for my feelings. I was happy for her just really disappointed in her. I know she was happy and wanted to share that with me. I just wasn’t at a place where I could do that yet. I needed a little time to absorb the news. If she had told me her exciting news with more compassion I do think I would have accepted it better. But I’ll never know. In the following months, I experienced some of the darkest days I have ever known. I hope I never feel that gut-wrenching pain ever again. It was the ever-present reminder that I would not have a biological child.
I was grieving very deeply – not only for a baby but for a family that didn’t understand my grief. None of them knew how to help me or understand me because none of them had experienced the grief of infertility. I know they prayed for me and for that I am extremely grateful. The home study was finally complete and we were waiting to get on the active family waiting list. My family couldn’t understand why I wasn’t super excited about that. It isn’t that I wasn’t excited about it. I was very happy that the home study was complete and we had moved to the next step. But it’s so different from being pregnant. We didn’t have a specific date that we were expecting our baby to be born. So, planning for our baby was a bit different from biological parents. I wanted to share some of my happiness with my family but it seemed so pointless. I almost felt silly making some preparations because we didn’t know how long we would wait. I definitely didn’t want an empty nursery and we didn’t know if we would have a girl or boy.
And then you have those well-meaning people who think they are cheering you up or being funny by making jokes about your not having a baby. I have heard more inappropriate comments regarding “baby-making” than I ever care to hear. And others tell you that not being able to have a baby isn’t the end of the world. But it definitely feels like it. Really, I don’t think there is much you can say to someone experiencing infertility that really helps.
I had never felt more alone in my entire life. I didn’t want to talk to my husband about it. I didn’t want him to feel that I blamed him for our not being able to have a baby. It is not his fault…it just happened that way. I don’t blame him at all. And given the choice between him and a child I would choose him every time. I already loved him and in my heart he was, is and always will be irreplaceable. I also don’t blame God either. He does allow things to happen in our lives. I have never thought God was punishing us. However, I had no idea the indescribable blessing He had planned for us. At some point I reached the darkest day I had ever had. I picked up my Bible and opened it. My eyes locked on this verse: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18 God revealed to me in that moment that He had not left my side. In the midst of my grief I just didn’t see him. I held on the that verse and still lean on it today. I remember how He displayed his love for me that night by showing me that verse.
I had many more bumpy days that were very hard but the light began to seep back into my life the night I read that verse. The worst was the 3 weeks we were uncertain about Garon’s birthmom changing her mind. Then when we found out she still wanted to follow through with the adoption but her doctor would not induce until she was 2 weeks late (which would have been Christmas Eve). But Garon was born on the perfect day God appointed for him. We still do not know why her doctor decided to induce just 1 day past his due date…but whatever his reason God designed it.
God answered all my prayers when Garon was born. And I see God’s love every time I look at my beautiful son. My grief still exists. But it’s more of a pinch not the severe empty ache it once was. My grief is now more from the experience and now knowing the happiness I have with Garon is at another woman’s expense. I believe with all my heart we made the right choice in choosing adoption. But as a fellow adoptive mother said: “The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into someone familiar, but changed.” - Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother
I don’t know your personal story but if infertility has been a burden for you, don’t be afraid of pursuing adoption. It is another option to fill your desperately empty arms. Our social worker told us that a decision regarding adoption is sometimes as simple as deciding if you want to be pregnant or want to be a parent.
Here are a couple of websites/blogs that were helpful to me…I hope they will be helpful to you as well!
www.rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com - Rebekah talks about her grief, her adopted son and her relationship with her son’s birth mom
www.godspeakstoday.net - Sandy has a tremendous testimony and great food for thought
www.devotions.proverbs31.org - Great devotions
Healed by grace,
Laura
If you have never suffered any of the above-mentioned heartaches, I hope you never do. However, no one can begin to imagine the private pain and suffering we have been through. Part of me wonders if we ever completely heal from it. It think maybe it leaves scars to show us how far we’ve come...especially where Jesus has carried us. Obviously, some of us have deeper scars than others and we all handle the grief differently. And yes, grief. Many people don’t realize that with infertility there is a significant amount grieving. We all associate grief with the loss of a baby but maybe not with the loss of the hope for a baby. Hope is so vital to our very being that without hope it is quite easy to find yourself quickly slipping into despair. I am a living, breathing testament that God’s love carried me though those dark days. I am still amazed by how much He loves me because I definitely do not deserve it. He answered EVERY prayer with His perfect plan with His perfect timing. I’m completely baffled by how non-Christians go through life without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. How do they make it during tough times without Him in their hearts? How do they make sense of a personal loss or natural disaster?
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
Unfortunately, grief is something we all become acquainted with at some point in our lives. Each person grieves differently and for various reasons. We mostly associate grief with the death of someone we love – a parent, grandparent, sibling, spouse, child, friend or pet. My personal experiences with grieving have consisted of burying two grandparents, an infant cousin, 3 beloved pets and my dream of having a biological child.
Not that I think I could ever really prepare for grieving my family members and pets who have gone to heaven but it is a very natural grieving experience – one that everyone expects and understands. However, I was not at all prepared for the extraordinarily profound grief I would experience when burying my dream of having a biological child.
I have always wanted a child. I have never really thought about how many children I would have just that I wanted to have them. The natural thoughts of every woman is that you get pregnant and give birth to a biological child. That’s how we are designed and it’s supposed to work that way. I have known for more than 12 years that it would be difficult, if not impossible, for us to have a baby of our own. But, when you are 18 years old and not ready for a baby it feels differently than it does when you are 30 and ready for one.
One by one family members and friends were having babies and my desire for that mother-baby bond was growing stronger. I had researched options for us having a biological child. The only procedure I could find that had been successful for couples where the male spouse has Kartagener’s Syndrome was IVF with intracytoplasmic sperm injection. In April 2008, my OB-GYN tested my husband and confirmed this would be our only option for having our own child. We were not devastated by this news – we expected it. We were really just in the beginning stages of talking about “starting a family.” We talked about this option and adoption. Both were very expensive and we were very apprehensive about the IVF procedure. We were concerned about passing on a genetic condition to our child and IVF increases that risk. We did not want to knowingly create a baby with a birth defect of any kind, especially knowing the family history.
At what point did the grief really begin? I’m not really sure. I know that each time someone I knew announced their new addition my heart ached a little more. It isn’t that I wasn’t happy for them – I was just sad for us. Sad that we weren’t experiencing the joy that comes with knowing that you will soon be parents to a perfect bundle of joy. I soon realized that the other women I knew were so overjoyed with their exciting news that they seemed to forget the sadness of our situation. I don’t think it was purposefully overlooked at all. We all get caught up in ourselves and our own lives and we forget about the pain others are experiencing. I am guilty of that too. I also tried very hard to put on a very brave face and not let my emotions show. I was very private about our experience and that may have contributed to some of the unintentional unkind words. I was grieving and didn’t even realize it. I look back now and see the progression of that grief and wonder if I had recognized it for what it was maybe I would not have had the major meltdown I experienced several months ago.
My world came to a crashing halt when a family member announced her pregnancy with very little thought or consideration for my feelings. I was happy for her just really disappointed in her. I know she was happy and wanted to share that with me. I just wasn’t at a place where I could do that yet. I needed a little time to absorb the news. If she had told me her exciting news with more compassion I do think I would have accepted it better. But I’ll never know. In the following months, I experienced some of the darkest days I have ever known. I hope I never feel that gut-wrenching pain ever again. It was the ever-present reminder that I would not have a biological child.
I was grieving very deeply – not only for a baby but for a family that didn’t understand my grief. None of them knew how to help me or understand me because none of them had experienced the grief of infertility. I know they prayed for me and for that I am extremely grateful. The home study was finally complete and we were waiting to get on the active family waiting list. My family couldn’t understand why I wasn’t super excited about that. It isn’t that I wasn’t excited about it. I was very happy that the home study was complete and we had moved to the next step. But it’s so different from being pregnant. We didn’t have a specific date that we were expecting our baby to be born. So, planning for our baby was a bit different from biological parents. I wanted to share some of my happiness with my family but it seemed so pointless. I almost felt silly making some preparations because we didn’t know how long we would wait. I definitely didn’t want an empty nursery and we didn’t know if we would have a girl or boy.
And then you have those well-meaning people who think they are cheering you up or being funny by making jokes about your not having a baby. I have heard more inappropriate comments regarding “baby-making” than I ever care to hear. And others tell you that not being able to have a baby isn’t the end of the world. But it definitely feels like it. Really, I don’t think there is much you can say to someone experiencing infertility that really helps.
I had never felt more alone in my entire life. I didn’t want to talk to my husband about it. I didn’t want him to feel that I blamed him for our not being able to have a baby. It is not his fault…it just happened that way. I don’t blame him at all. And given the choice between him and a child I would choose him every time. I already loved him and in my heart he was, is and always will be irreplaceable. I also don’t blame God either. He does allow things to happen in our lives. I have never thought God was punishing us. However, I had no idea the indescribable blessing He had planned for us. At some point I reached the darkest day I had ever had. I picked up my Bible and opened it. My eyes locked on this verse: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18 God revealed to me in that moment that He had not left my side. In the midst of my grief I just didn’t see him. I held on the that verse and still lean on it today. I remember how He displayed his love for me that night by showing me that verse.
I had many more bumpy days that were very hard but the light began to seep back into my life the night I read that verse. The worst was the 3 weeks we were uncertain about Garon’s birthmom changing her mind. Then when we found out she still wanted to follow through with the adoption but her doctor would not induce until she was 2 weeks late (which would have been Christmas Eve). But Garon was born on the perfect day God appointed for him. We still do not know why her doctor decided to induce just 1 day past his due date…but whatever his reason God designed it.
God answered all my prayers when Garon was born. And I see God’s love every time I look at my beautiful son. My grief still exists. But it’s more of a pinch not the severe empty ache it once was. My grief is now more from the experience and now knowing the happiness I have with Garon is at another woman’s expense. I believe with all my heart we made the right choice in choosing adoption. But as a fellow adoptive mother said: “The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into someone familiar, but changed.” - Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother
I don’t know your personal story but if infertility has been a burden for you, don’t be afraid of pursuing adoption. It is another option to fill your desperately empty arms. Our social worker told us that a decision regarding adoption is sometimes as simple as deciding if you want to be pregnant or want to be a parent.
Here are a couple of websites/blogs that were helpful to me…I hope they will be helpful to you as well!
www.rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com - Rebekah talks about her grief, her adopted son and her relationship with her son’s birth mom
www.godspeakstoday.net - Sandy has a tremendous testimony and great food for thought
www.devotions.proverbs31.org - Great devotions
Healed by grace,
Laura
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
My Overwhelming Joy at Her Expense
Wow…Garon is 4 months old now and we are getting ready to embark on a new adventure with him…solids foods and a high chair!!! It does not seem possible that 4 months ago today we signed the mountain of paperwork stating that we would be his forever parents. Garon slept soundly in his isolette the entire time. I felt sorry for him. It seemed so sad that for those few minutes he didn’t have parents. His birthparents had relinquished their rights and we were in the process of signing the adoption papers. Finally, Jason asked if we could at least see him. I was afraid to ask…I didn’t know what they would say. It felt like we were in limbo. Of course, they said we could see him. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen in my life. He was perfect from head to toe. Then we finished signing our papers. However, we are eagerly awaiting the day the judge will make us his legal parents in a couple of months – What a wonderful day that will be!!
Garon has had his first real illness – a nasty ear infection. Poor baby didn’t start crying until it was just unbearable. The doctor said he had had the infection for several days and we just didn’t know it. He didn’t cry or have fever. However, he did show a few signs that now I realize were indications that he was getting sick. So, now we know what to look for if he gets another ear infection – and I’m sure he will. He also had his first diaper rash from the antibiotics but that is getting much better now. And to top it off, Daddy was out of town while he was sick…being a “single” parent with a sick baby is not easy. I have so much respect for all single moms out there! If my parents hadn’t helped out some I have no idea if we would have survived! But now Daddy is back and we are settling back into our comfortable routine as a family of three. Although Garon has been pretty sick, he still has lots of smiles and coos for us. He is the sweetest, happiest baby. We are beyond blessed to be his parents.
The past four months have been the happiest, scariest and most bittersweet of my entire life. I say bittersweet because my happiness came at such a high price for the special woman who gave Garon the gift of life. The night before we left to meet our sweet boy, we wrote a letter Garon’s birthparents. I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness for the loss his birthmother was going to experience when she signed over her parental rights and the grief she would experience for the remainder of her life. I was sad for the birthfather too but my sadness was mostly for her…maybe because I am a woman too. She had the greatest bond with him because she physically carried him for 9 months. She was the one with the biggest burden. Although she was willingly placing Garon for adoption, her sadness and grief are very real and I think the birthmother’s pain gets overshadowed by the joy the adoptive families are experiencing. I hope she has begun to heal from the loss of this very special person who is now our son. However, I know her healing will take a lifetime.
A couple of weeks ago, I purchased Inconceivable by Carolyn and Sean Savage. It is one of the most moving stories I have ever read. They inadvertenly became pregnant with another couple’s embryo and decided to give the baby the gift of life and reliquish him to his biological parents at birth. They could have chosen to fight for custody of him but the law is on the side of biological parents and they didn’t feel right about not giving him to his biological parents. It seems so unfair that Carolyn could choose to terminate the pregnancy but she couldn’t keep the baby. She could kill him but not raise him. What kind of logic is that? Although their story significantly differs from Garon’s birthparents’ story, the pain of loss is still the same. The Savage’s story made the pain of Garon’s birthparents more real to me and helped me to appreciate even more the gift they gave to Garon, Jason and me. We are a family of three because of their selfless gift. They will probably never get over the loss of Garon. I know they have so many hopes and dreams for him and I hope that we meet and exceed their expectations as parents for the son they still love so much. I hope they will be proud of the man Garon will become and I hope the pictures and updates help to ease their pain just a little and give them peace about his well-being. From one mother to another, I am forever humbled and grateful for the beautiful son she shared with us. Garon has helped heal my very deep wounds of infertility and fill an unimaginable void in my heart. But sadly, my healing is at the cost of her sorrow. But I know God has a plan for her life just like he does for each of us and I know He is helping her heart heal.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Garon has had his first real illness – a nasty ear infection. Poor baby didn’t start crying until it was just unbearable. The doctor said he had had the infection for several days and we just didn’t know it. He didn’t cry or have fever. However, he did show a few signs that now I realize were indications that he was getting sick. So, now we know what to look for if he gets another ear infection – and I’m sure he will. He also had his first diaper rash from the antibiotics but that is getting much better now. And to top it off, Daddy was out of town while he was sick…being a “single” parent with a sick baby is not easy. I have so much respect for all single moms out there! If my parents hadn’t helped out some I have no idea if we would have survived! But now Daddy is back and we are settling back into our comfortable routine as a family of three. Although Garon has been pretty sick, he still has lots of smiles and coos for us. He is the sweetest, happiest baby. We are beyond blessed to be his parents.
The past four months have been the happiest, scariest and most bittersweet of my entire life. I say bittersweet because my happiness came at such a high price for the special woman who gave Garon the gift of life. The night before we left to meet our sweet boy, we wrote a letter Garon’s birthparents. I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness for the loss his birthmother was going to experience when she signed over her parental rights and the grief she would experience for the remainder of her life. I was sad for the birthfather too but my sadness was mostly for her…maybe because I am a woman too. She had the greatest bond with him because she physically carried him for 9 months. She was the one with the biggest burden. Although she was willingly placing Garon for adoption, her sadness and grief are very real and I think the birthmother’s pain gets overshadowed by the joy the adoptive families are experiencing. I hope she has begun to heal from the loss of this very special person who is now our son. However, I know her healing will take a lifetime.
A couple of weeks ago, I purchased Inconceivable by Carolyn and Sean Savage. It is one of the most moving stories I have ever read. They inadvertenly became pregnant with another couple’s embryo and decided to give the baby the gift of life and reliquish him to his biological parents at birth. They could have chosen to fight for custody of him but the law is on the side of biological parents and they didn’t feel right about not giving him to his biological parents. It seems so unfair that Carolyn could choose to terminate the pregnancy but she couldn’t keep the baby. She could kill him but not raise him. What kind of logic is that? Although their story significantly differs from Garon’s birthparents’ story, the pain of loss is still the same. The Savage’s story made the pain of Garon’s birthparents more real to me and helped me to appreciate even more the gift they gave to Garon, Jason and me. We are a family of three because of their selfless gift. They will probably never get over the loss of Garon. I know they have so many hopes and dreams for him and I hope that we meet and exceed their expectations as parents for the son they still love so much. I hope they will be proud of the man Garon will become and I hope the pictures and updates help to ease their pain just a little and give them peace about his well-being. From one mother to another, I am forever humbled and grateful for the beautiful son she shared with us. Garon has helped heal my very deep wounds of infertility and fill an unimaginable void in my heart. But sadly, my healing is at the cost of her sorrow. But I know God has a plan for her life just like he does for each of us and I know He is helping her heart heal.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Thursday, March 10, 2011
God's gift has put my best dream to shame...
"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame." - Elizabeth Barrett Browning
I saw this quote the other day and thought how appropriate it was for my life. The gift of Garon is greater than I could have ever imagined and I am forever humbled by his perfect plan for our lives.
I usually consider my letters to Garon very personal but I thought I'd share this one with you...but first a few pictures of our sweet boy...
March 10, 2011
Dear Garon,
My sweet, sweet boy, you are 3 months old today. I have no idea where the time has gone since that wonderful Friday morning that you were born. I can still remember the phone call as though it was yesterday. It still seems like a dream that you are our sweet little miracle! I treasure every day that we have together and look forward to all the days to come and the memories we will make.
Part of me misses the sleepy, cuddly newborn that you were but I also love this personality of yours that shows more and more each day. I want you to grow and develop because that is what you are supposed to do; but, part of me wants to keep you as my tiny baby forever. My favorite part of the day is 10-11 p.m. I feed you your nighttime bottle and we snuggle until I put you in your bed around 11. You lay on my chest and you make the sweetest noises I have ever heard.
We have settled into the best routine with you. You eat at 10, 2, & 6. And…you sleep through the night! Sometimes Daddy even has to wake you up for your 6 a.m. bottle! You are not a morning person at all and I think that’s great because I’m not either!!! So we sleep in on Saturday mornings! However, I’m sure that will change!
You have made quite a few milestones since we brought you home from the hospital. You now smile, laugh and babble ALL the time. You will talk to anyone who will listen and you love for everyone to talk to you. You are such a friendly and happy baby and everyone who has met you loves your personality. Your favorite things to do are: getting your diaper changed (we have the best conversations on the changing table), playing on your jungle gym and swinging in your swing. You are holding your head up very well and you love looking around and soaking up all your surroundings. You have also started trying to roll over. You have made it to your side but not quite all the way over. I expect you to master that any day now. Your bib is your favorite toy and you play with it all the time.
You have also settled in at “Sharon’s Baby Boot Camp!” Of course, it really is just her home daycare. You are the only infant she is keeping right now so you are getting very spoiled at her house too! You love watching the toddlers play and very soon you will join them. Your little cousin Peyton will be joining you in May so you’ll have to show him the ropes. You could not be in a better place while I’m at work but I still HATE the fact that I can’t stay at home with you. I feel like I’m missing so much of your life by spending 40 hours a week at work. So I try to spend as much time as I can with you in the evenings and on weekends.
You haven’t been out in public a lot but the times we have taken you out you have been really good. But you aren’t very fond of your car seat so sometimes you fuss about that. You have never been to Wal-Mart and I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to take you there. I just don’t want you to get sick. I’m still not ready to leave you in the nursery at church so I haven’t been since we brought you home. I’m going to try to take you this Sunday but I think I’ll just let you sit with us and see how that goes.
Your new bedding is on your bed now and it is the cutest ever! I’m also having a window pane picture frame made for you but it’s not quite ready. So your room is coming together, slowly but surely!
You have no idea how much you are loved…by me, your daddy and all of your extended family. I can’t imagine what my life would be like today without you…and I wouldn’t trade you for a biological child…ever! You are my sweet boy, my monkey, my Garon-bug. I love you more and more each day. You have brought a light to my life that I could never have imagined before. Being your mommy is the greatest privilege I have ever received.
I love you to the moon and back!
Mama
I saw this quote the other day and thought how appropriate it was for my life. The gift of Garon is greater than I could have ever imagined and I am forever humbled by his perfect plan for our lives.
I usually consider my letters to Garon very personal but I thought I'd share this one with you...but first a few pictures of our sweet boy...
March 10, 2011
Dear Garon,
My sweet, sweet boy, you are 3 months old today. I have no idea where the time has gone since that wonderful Friday morning that you were born. I can still remember the phone call as though it was yesterday. It still seems like a dream that you are our sweet little miracle! I treasure every day that we have together and look forward to all the days to come and the memories we will make.
Part of me misses the sleepy, cuddly newborn that you were but I also love this personality of yours that shows more and more each day. I want you to grow and develop because that is what you are supposed to do; but, part of me wants to keep you as my tiny baby forever. My favorite part of the day is 10-11 p.m. I feed you your nighttime bottle and we snuggle until I put you in your bed around 11. You lay on my chest and you make the sweetest noises I have ever heard.
We have settled into the best routine with you. You eat at 10, 2, & 6. And…you sleep through the night! Sometimes Daddy even has to wake you up for your 6 a.m. bottle! You are not a morning person at all and I think that’s great because I’m not either!!! So we sleep in on Saturday mornings! However, I’m sure that will change!
You have made quite a few milestones since we brought you home from the hospital. You now smile, laugh and babble ALL the time. You will talk to anyone who will listen and you love for everyone to talk to you. You are such a friendly and happy baby and everyone who has met you loves your personality. Your favorite things to do are: getting your diaper changed (we have the best conversations on the changing table), playing on your jungle gym and swinging in your swing. You are holding your head up very well and you love looking around and soaking up all your surroundings. You have also started trying to roll over. You have made it to your side but not quite all the way over. I expect you to master that any day now. Your bib is your favorite toy and you play with it all the time.
You have also settled in at “Sharon’s Baby Boot Camp!” Of course, it really is just her home daycare. You are the only infant she is keeping right now so you are getting very spoiled at her house too! You love watching the toddlers play and very soon you will join them. Your little cousin Peyton will be joining you in May so you’ll have to show him the ropes. You could not be in a better place while I’m at work but I still HATE the fact that I can’t stay at home with you. I feel like I’m missing so much of your life by spending 40 hours a week at work. So I try to spend as much time as I can with you in the evenings and on weekends.
You haven’t been out in public a lot but the times we have taken you out you have been really good. But you aren’t very fond of your car seat so sometimes you fuss about that. You have never been to Wal-Mart and I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to take you there. I just don’t want you to get sick. I’m still not ready to leave you in the nursery at church so I haven’t been since we brought you home. I’m going to try to take you this Sunday but I think I’ll just let you sit with us and see how that goes.
Your new bedding is on your bed now and it is the cutest ever! I’m also having a window pane picture frame made for you but it’s not quite ready. So your room is coming together, slowly but surely!
You have no idea how much you are loved…by me, your daddy and all of your extended family. I can’t imagine what my life would be like today without you…and I wouldn’t trade you for a biological child…ever! You are my sweet boy, my monkey, my Garon-bug. I love you more and more each day. You have brought a light to my life that I could never have imagined before. Being your mommy is the greatest privilege I have ever received.
I love you to the moon and back!
Mama
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
First Month of Mommyhood...
Today completes my first month as a mommy and I'm still in shock! It all still seems like a sweet dream and I just haven't woken up yet! We are still in our bonding process. I imagine our bonding experience is somewhat different from biological mothers and children. But every mother has to get to know her baby whether he is adopted or biological. So we are still getting acquainted and we are enjoying every moment.
We have learned these things about him: He has quite a temper when he is hungry...he must have learned this from me! I get grumpy when I'm hungry too! He hates taking a bath...even after I bought him a new bath tub he still hates it. He loves his swing...it's his favorite toy! He doesn't usually mind having his diaper changed unless it takes longer than he thinks it should. He loves to snuggle. He likes Bo (Pepper keeps his distance so Garon may not even know Pepper exists)!
Garon was 1 month old yesterday and he doesn't really look like a newborn anymore. He is extremely alert when he is awake and has grown so much. He's my little piggy...we had to bump him up to 5 oz. yesterday because he kept crying after we finished feeding him 4 oz. Dr. Smith also changed his formula yesterday because he has been having tummy troubles for the past week or so. Hopefully the change will make him feel better. Even though he's a great eater, he's still small. His newborn clothes still fit but some of them are getting a little short on him. He has long legs!!!
We are so thankful we were able to share this Christmas with him and to share him with our families. This was truly the best Christmas ever! Dr. Smith would have a fit if he knew we had him out all day Christmas! He gave us strict orders to keep him home away from crowds, sick people and kids. I have no problem following those orders but we had to spend Christmas with our families! That being said, we aren't going to be taking him anywhere until flu season is over. I just can't stand the thought of our sweet baby being sick...especially while he's so little.
I feel like the most blessed person in the world to be Garon's mom. It's still so hard to believe all this happened so quickly and so perfectly! God is so good and He is the only reason we have our sweet baby boy! We already love him so much and I can only imagine how much our love for him will continue to grow each day!
Everyone keeps asking where we got his name. Well, a secretary at my high school's last name was Garren and I always thought it was a pretty last name. Then, one of Jason's co-worker's is named Garon. They are from the same German root. Garren/Garon is actually a surname but I think it works beautifully as a first name. Another little bit of trivia about Garon is that it was Elvis Presley's twin brother's middle name...His name was Jesse Garon. But really, we just really liked the name because it is not very common and we have a very special, unique little boy! So Garon seemed to fit!
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 1 John 4:10
Friday, January 7, 2011
Adoption Story - Part Two
Wow...so much has happened since I posted Part 1 of our adoption story. We discussed and prayed about some controversial issues, God has spoken to us loud and clear, we had a few bumps in the road, and we traveled 1,500 miles across the country to get our tiny baby boy. So, here is Part 2...
I suppose I'll start with the controversial part. My doctor suggested we use a sperm donor since we don't think I have any fertility problems (although I do have endometriosis - it is not severe). I have always been extremely against this, period. But my doctor had a very valid point - we could control the prenatal care and the baby would at least be 1/2 me. And using a sperm donor would cost $5,000 versus the roughly $30,000 fee for domestic adoption. So, we decided to pray about it and see what God had to say. Of course, I asked for a bright, blinking neon sign. Sometimes God sends those and sometimes He speaks in a still, small voice. I had no idea how He would respond to this prayer but He definitely responded. The next Sunday in church Bro. Buddy's sermon was on marriage and how there is not room for 3 people in a marriage. Well, using a sperm donor adds a third person. I don't want a third person in my marriage. Then, out of the blue I picked up the Home Life magazine on the way out of church and there was a long article on adoption. I had never picked up the magazine before. So, I think it was pretty clear God was speaking to me about our decision. This was the first time I remember God speaking that loudly to me. But still, I kept thinking maybe God would tell me something differently...mainly because of the money. But He kept speaking to me in His still, small voice that adoption was the right road for us. Although, I didn't get a burning bush, God still spoke very clearly to me. So, we decided to stick with the adoption plan. I know God is bigger than any issue we may have and we prayed that God would set aside the perfect baby for us, that God would protect his parents and him, and that he would inherit the best of both of them. God is bigger than prenatal care, or the lack thereof. "And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice." (I Kings 19:11-12).
In August, we needed one last step to complete our home study - the Newborn Education Class. I tried to schedule a private one at a local hospital but I never could get the lady to call me back. So I finally called another hospital and a lady there helped me find a hospital in town that offers the class. I called that hospital and they were offering the class that night - otherwise we'd have to wait until October. So, we went that night and we had a great time - so much more fun than we ever thought it would be! God worked that out for us too...He knew we didn't need to wait until October! By September we were officially on the active waiting families list at Heart to Heart. The social worker told us our wait would be shorter because we were open to either boy or girl. She said the waiting list for a girl was long and 2010 was the year for boys. We still had no idea how short our wait would be! We got quite a shock when she told us what the fee was for a Caucasian baby. We thought the range on their website was based on how much care the baby's mother required but it isn't...it's based on the race of the child. We wanted a Caucasian baby because we wanted the child to feel as much a part of our family as possible and it not be obvious to the whole world that he is adopted. That being said, all babies of all races deserve a good home. But like our social worker said, each adoptive family needs to go the route they are most comfortable with. There are enough bumps in the road without making the road any more rough. So we were $10,000 short and that didn't include our travel expenses (flight, hotel, etc). We almost backed out and told the agency we would have to wait until we could save some more money but God took care of the money we lacked. When God has a plan, nothing will deter the fulfillment of that plan. He already knew when and where we would go and who our baby would be. He knows the end from the beginning...He sits outside time. "Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please." (Isaiah 46:9-10).
In October, our agency called about 3 different birthmothers - all three expecting baby boys. The first birthmother chose another family. The second decided to parent. The third wanted to talk to us and another family. We talked them and our conversation went great. We talked about everything from weather to what they looked like, their hobbies, and their families. We didn't know if they would choose us or not but we were thankful for the experience of talking to them. Then our social worker called and they wanted to talk to us one more time before they made their decision. So we talked to them a week later and they chose us on Nov. 11. His due date was Dec. 10 - less than a month away. His mother had been receiving prenatal care, no drugs/alcohol/smoking and both parents were willing to sign the termination of parental rights - God took care of those worries! We were very excited - cautious - but excited. Then, our social worker went out of town for a couple of weeks and no one at the agency was able to really talk to our birthmother. It was really beginning to look like she was going to change her mind. If she changed her mind we would just go back on the list but we would also lose some money. I was really concerned about that because we couldn't afford to lose a lot. But then one of the girls filling in for our social worker told me that we would only lose what they had actually spent on our birthmother, not half of the adoption fee (which was what I thought). Then, the following Monday, our social worker called and said our birthmother still wanted to place her son with us. We were still somewhat anxious and didn't want to fly out until she signed the papers. Then Wednesday, she called back and said he would be born Friday (on his due date). Finally, Friday came and he was born, a happy and healthy 7 pounds and 19.5 inches, ten fingers and ten toes. We then flew to AZ on Sunday to get him. It was the most surreal experience of my entire life. God was there and everything was perfect. Her room number was my birthday and we adopted him on my dad's birthday. Grandma would have been tickled! Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)
We stayed in AZ for 10 days. They went by really fast. I would never have dreamed they would go by really fast but they did. Our days revolved around him and we were constantly doing something for him. We stayed in an Extended Stay America Hotel which provided a small kitchenette and washeteria. I think we spent $30 washing clothes during those 10 days. We met with our baby's birthparents three times. It was a true blessing to meet them and get to know them as real people. One day we will be able to tell our son all about them. We got to see a part of the country we had never seen before. I had never seen the desert or mountains with cacti on them. The mountains really are purple at sunset! And God was there. Then we flew home on Dec. 22 - over the Grand Canyon (which we couldn't see for the clouds) and the Great Salt Lake into SLC. We saw the most beautiful snow covered mountains from the SLC airport. Then flew across Utah, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, and Arkansas into Memphis, then home. God was there too. "...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)
For months I had been so sure this was God's plan for us. Then, my faith really started to falter when we thought our birthmother was going to change her mind. I'm so ashamed of that. But God fulfilled his promise. We have our baby boy and he's our perfect gift from God. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
I hope our story touches your heart and you can see how God has blessed us throughout the entire adoption process. I have seen more of God's handiwork this year than I have in my entire life. He is still very busy and it's an incredible testament of how much He loves His children. I firmly believe the fertility options would have failed. But if they hadn't we wouldn't have this child and we wouldn't trade him for the world. God has turned infertility into a beautiful, indescribable blessing for us. This child is our son that God hand-picked for us. He has a very special plan for this little boy's life and I'm beyond blessed to be his mother.
I suppose I'll start with the controversial part. My doctor suggested we use a sperm donor since we don't think I have any fertility problems (although I do have endometriosis - it is not severe). I have always been extremely against this, period. But my doctor had a very valid point - we could control the prenatal care and the baby would at least be 1/2 me. And using a sperm donor would cost $5,000 versus the roughly $30,000 fee for domestic adoption. So, we decided to pray about it and see what God had to say. Of course, I asked for a bright, blinking neon sign. Sometimes God sends those and sometimes He speaks in a still, small voice. I had no idea how He would respond to this prayer but He definitely responded. The next Sunday in church Bro. Buddy's sermon was on marriage and how there is not room for 3 people in a marriage. Well, using a sperm donor adds a third person. I don't want a third person in my marriage. Then, out of the blue I picked up the Home Life magazine on the way out of church and there was a long article on adoption. I had never picked up the magazine before. So, I think it was pretty clear God was speaking to me about our decision. This was the first time I remember God speaking that loudly to me. But still, I kept thinking maybe God would tell me something differently...mainly because of the money. But He kept speaking to me in His still, small voice that adoption was the right road for us. Although, I didn't get a burning bush, God still spoke very clearly to me. So, we decided to stick with the adoption plan. I know God is bigger than any issue we may have and we prayed that God would set aside the perfect baby for us, that God would protect his parents and him, and that he would inherit the best of both of them. God is bigger than prenatal care, or the lack thereof. "And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice." (I Kings 19:11-12).
In August, we needed one last step to complete our home study - the Newborn Education Class. I tried to schedule a private one at a local hospital but I never could get the lady to call me back. So I finally called another hospital and a lady there helped me find a hospital in town that offers the class. I called that hospital and they were offering the class that night - otherwise we'd have to wait until October. So, we went that night and we had a great time - so much more fun than we ever thought it would be! God worked that out for us too...He knew we didn't need to wait until October! By September we were officially on the active waiting families list at Heart to Heart. The social worker told us our wait would be shorter because we were open to either boy or girl. She said the waiting list for a girl was long and 2010 was the year for boys. We still had no idea how short our wait would be! We got quite a shock when she told us what the fee was for a Caucasian baby. We thought the range on their website was based on how much care the baby's mother required but it isn't...it's based on the race of the child. We wanted a Caucasian baby because we wanted the child to feel as much a part of our family as possible and it not be obvious to the whole world that he is adopted. That being said, all babies of all races deserve a good home. But like our social worker said, each adoptive family needs to go the route they are most comfortable with. There are enough bumps in the road without making the road any more rough. So we were $10,000 short and that didn't include our travel expenses (flight, hotel, etc). We almost backed out and told the agency we would have to wait until we could save some more money but God took care of the money we lacked. When God has a plan, nothing will deter the fulfillment of that plan. He already knew when and where we would go and who our baby would be. He knows the end from the beginning...He sits outside time. "Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please." (Isaiah 46:9-10).
In October, our agency called about 3 different birthmothers - all three expecting baby boys. The first birthmother chose another family. The second decided to parent. The third wanted to talk to us and another family. We talked them and our conversation went great. We talked about everything from weather to what they looked like, their hobbies, and their families. We didn't know if they would choose us or not but we were thankful for the experience of talking to them. Then our social worker called and they wanted to talk to us one more time before they made their decision. So we talked to them a week later and they chose us on Nov. 11. His due date was Dec. 10 - less than a month away. His mother had been receiving prenatal care, no drugs/alcohol/smoking and both parents were willing to sign the termination of parental rights - God took care of those worries! We were very excited - cautious - but excited. Then, our social worker went out of town for a couple of weeks and no one at the agency was able to really talk to our birthmother. It was really beginning to look like she was going to change her mind. If she changed her mind we would just go back on the list but we would also lose some money. I was really concerned about that because we couldn't afford to lose a lot. But then one of the girls filling in for our social worker told me that we would only lose what they had actually spent on our birthmother, not half of the adoption fee (which was what I thought). Then, the following Monday, our social worker called and said our birthmother still wanted to place her son with us. We were still somewhat anxious and didn't want to fly out until she signed the papers. Then Wednesday, she called back and said he would be born Friday (on his due date). Finally, Friday came and he was born, a happy and healthy 7 pounds and 19.5 inches, ten fingers and ten toes. We then flew to AZ on Sunday to get him. It was the most surreal experience of my entire life. God was there and everything was perfect. Her room number was my birthday and we adopted him on my dad's birthday. Grandma would have been tickled! Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)
We stayed in AZ for 10 days. They went by really fast. I would never have dreamed they would go by really fast but they did. Our days revolved around him and we were constantly doing something for him. We stayed in an Extended Stay America Hotel which provided a small kitchenette and washeteria. I think we spent $30 washing clothes during those 10 days. We met with our baby's birthparents three times. It was a true blessing to meet them and get to know them as real people. One day we will be able to tell our son all about them. We got to see a part of the country we had never seen before. I had never seen the desert or mountains with cacti on them. The mountains really are purple at sunset! And God was there. Then we flew home on Dec. 22 - over the Grand Canyon (which we couldn't see for the clouds) and the Great Salt Lake into SLC. We saw the most beautiful snow covered mountains from the SLC airport. Then flew across Utah, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, and Arkansas into Memphis, then home. God was there too. "...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)
For months I had been so sure this was God's plan for us. Then, my faith really started to falter when we thought our birthmother was going to change her mind. I'm so ashamed of that. But God fulfilled his promise. We have our baby boy and he's our perfect gift from God. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
I hope our story touches your heart and you can see how God has blessed us throughout the entire adoption process. I have seen more of God's handiwork this year than I have in my entire life. He is still very busy and it's an incredible testament of how much He loves His children. I firmly believe the fertility options would have failed. But if they hadn't we wouldn't have this child and we wouldn't trade him for the world. God has turned infertility into a beautiful, indescribable blessing for us. This child is our son that God hand-picked for us. He has a very special plan for this little boy's life and I'm beyond blessed to be his mother.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Two Becomes Three
Wow...what an adventure! We traveled 1500 miles across the country to get our sweet baby boy. I can't believe how fast time is already flying by. We never imagined we would be parents so quickly. The average wait time for a Caucasian baby at our agency is 8-12 months. We brought our baby boy home 3 short months after being on the waiting list.
On that very first Christmas 2,000 years ago, God gave me His Son. This year He gave me mine. God has a very special plan for our little boy and we look forward to all God has in store for him and us. God has done immeasurably more than we could ever have imagined!
"He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20
On that very first Christmas 2,000 years ago, God gave me His Son. This year He gave me mine. God has a very special plan for our little boy and we look forward to all God has in store for him and us. God has done immeasurably more than we could ever have imagined!
"He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Raising another woman's child...
I find the whole concept of "raising another woman's child" more than daunting. For various reasons (mainly because God leads her to), she will choose us to raise her son or daughter. But she is and will always be his or her first mother. I often think about this very courageous, selfless woman who will willingly choose us to raise her child. I don't know what she looks like, where she lives, or what her personality is like but I do know she loves her baby and is choosing what is best for him or her. And I think that makes her an incredible person and an ever better mother. I consider myself more than honored to meet her and raise her child. She is giving us a gift from God that we could not receive otherwise. She is my hero.
Sadly, society has labeled birthmothers as women who abandon their children. I hear all too often: "I could never give up my baby." None of the people I have heard say that have ever walked a mile in a birthmother's shoes. And she is not "giving it up" or abandoning him or her. She is entrusting her child with another family to provide a life for him or her that she is not capable of doing at the present time. Birthmother's are not bad women or neglectful mothers. Yes, some of them have made bad choices, but who hasn't made bad choices? All of our choices have rewards or consequences. A baby may be a consequence of her actions but is certainly not a mistake. God made her baby just like He has made every other baby and God NEVER makes mistakes. I truly believe God will bless her beyond measure for choosing life for her baby instead of abortion. And I will be blessed to meet her, witness her courage and raise and love her child.
Our case worker at the adoption agency told me that most of their birthmothers already have one or more children and simply cannot afford to care for another one. So, courageously, they select an adoptive family to raise their baby. These women are not necessarily drug addicts, prostitutes or promiscuous women, or neglectful/abusive mothers. Remember, these women are freely placing their baby for adoption - NOT having their parental rights terminated. They have not done anything to warrant their child being taken from them. They are simply choosing a better life for their child than they can give them. I think that is selflessness epitomized.
Everyone has opinions, good or bad. I have heard more than my share of those since we began this adoption process. Society is so misinformed about adoption and birthmothers. I have heard more than one person say: "you don't want a baby from that kind of mother." "That kind" ranges from past drug abuse to not practicing safe sex. If someone judged my child on all of my past mistakes, they might not want mine either. In God's eyes her sins are no worse than mine. I see a woman who has made mistakes in the past but is trying to make good choices now. That is something I struggle with all the time. So, regardless of her past, there is a brand new life growing inside her that God miraculously created. When, I consider how big our God is, I have no qualms about opening my heart and my home to her and her baby.
So we are making a FAITH choice to follow where God leads us on this roller coaster adoption journey. And it is a big faith choice - I don't know how or when, but we will have a baby through adoption. And I look forward to every step of meeting our baby's mother, getting to know her (& possibly the father) and loving her, and loving the child she is graciously sharing with us. She will always be the first mommy because she will have loved him or her first. I hope we live up to her expectations because I know she has so many hopes and dreams for her baby.
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1
Sadly, society has labeled birthmothers as women who abandon their children. I hear all too often: "I could never give up my baby." None of the people I have heard say that have ever walked a mile in a birthmother's shoes. And she is not "giving it up" or abandoning him or her. She is entrusting her child with another family to provide a life for him or her that she is not capable of doing at the present time. Birthmother's are not bad women or neglectful mothers. Yes, some of them have made bad choices, but who hasn't made bad choices? All of our choices have rewards or consequences. A baby may be a consequence of her actions but is certainly not a mistake. God made her baby just like He has made every other baby and God NEVER makes mistakes. I truly believe God will bless her beyond measure for choosing life for her baby instead of abortion. And I will be blessed to meet her, witness her courage and raise and love her child.
Our case worker at the adoption agency told me that most of their birthmothers already have one or more children and simply cannot afford to care for another one. So, courageously, they select an adoptive family to raise their baby. These women are not necessarily drug addicts, prostitutes or promiscuous women, or neglectful/abusive mothers. Remember, these women are freely placing their baby for adoption - NOT having their parental rights terminated. They have not done anything to warrant their child being taken from them. They are simply choosing a better life for their child than they can give them. I think that is selflessness epitomized.
Everyone has opinions, good or bad. I have heard more than my share of those since we began this adoption process. Society is so misinformed about adoption and birthmothers. I have heard more than one person say: "you don't want a baby from that kind of mother." "That kind" ranges from past drug abuse to not practicing safe sex. If someone judged my child on all of my past mistakes, they might not want mine either. In God's eyes her sins are no worse than mine. I see a woman who has made mistakes in the past but is trying to make good choices now. That is something I struggle with all the time. So, regardless of her past, there is a brand new life growing inside her that God miraculously created. When, I consider how big our God is, I have no qualms about opening my heart and my home to her and her baby.
So we are making a FAITH choice to follow where God leads us on this roller coaster adoption journey. And it is a big faith choice - I don't know how or when, but we will have a baby through adoption. And I look forward to every step of meeting our baby's mother, getting to know her (& possibly the father) and loving her, and loving the child she is graciously sharing with us. She will always be the first mommy because she will have loved him or her first. I hope we live up to her expectations because I know she has so many hopes and dreams for her baby.
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Auburn vs. Clemson
We went to Auburn a couple of weeks ago to watch them play Clemson. We had the best time!! The game was awesome and it was great to see Auburn come back and beat Clemson in the 2nd half! We also got to visit with Jason's best friend, Mike, and his mom went with us. It's always fun to hang out with both of them! I also got a couple of new Auburn shirts and one has the coolest mascot ever, "Aubie," on it! Here are a few pics from our trip!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Adoption Story - Part 1
So...how did we get here? We met 12 years ago at a local community college and fell in love. Early on we discussed that having children would be an obstacle for us. However, neither of us was really concerned about it at the time...we were still "kids" ourselves and had all the time in the world. We dated for 6 years, got married and here we are another 6 years down the road. The past 12 years have had their ups and downs but we have made it and have grown closer than we could have imagined. We have been talking about our options for starting our family. The only way we could have a baby of our own is via in vitro fertilization with intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection - that is just a lot of fancy words for a VERY expensive, complex procedure. Even this procedure is no guarantee. We could spend $15,000-$20,000 and have a baby or have nothing to show for our money except a lot of debt and a broken heart.
We have prayed about this so much and we really feel God pointing us toward adoption. We really didn't seriously start pursuing adoption until October, 2010. I began researching and talking to friends about how and where to start - It is amazing how God has put these special people in our path to help us with our adoption process. In the beginning it seemed like this never-ending ordeal that was going to cost a fortune...and it still does but more on that a little later. We have come so far yet still have a ways to go. But God has opened so many doors for us with perfect timing that it really confirms that this is His plan for us.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
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