My Overwhelming Joy at Her Expense

Wow…Garon is 4 months old now and we are getting ready to embark on a new adventure with him…solids foods and a high chair!!! It does not seem possible that 4 months ago today we signed the mountain of paperwork stating that we would be his forever parents. Garon slept soundly in his isolette the entire time. I felt sorry for him. It seemed so sad that for those few minutes he didn’t have parents. His birthparents had relinquished their rights and we were in the process of signing the adoption papers. Finally, Jason asked if we could at least see him. I was afraid to ask…I didn’t know what they would say. It felt like we were in limbo. Of course, they said we could see him. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen in my life. He was perfect from head to toe. Then we finished signing our papers. However, we are eagerly awaiting the day the judge will make us his legal parents in a couple of months – What a wonderful day that will be!!

Garon has had his first real illness – a nasty ear infection. Poor baby didn’t start crying until it was just unbearable. The doctor said he had had the infection for several days and we just didn’t know it. He didn’t cry or have fever. However, he did show a few signs that now I realize were indications that he was getting sick. So, now we know what to look for if he gets another ear infection – and I’m sure he will. He also had his first diaper rash from the antibiotics but that is getting much better now. And to top it off, Daddy was out of town while he was sick…being a “single” parent with a sick baby is not easy. I have so much respect for all single moms out there! If my parents hadn’t helped out some I have no idea if we would have survived! But now Daddy is back and we are settling back into our comfortable routine as a family of three. Although Garon has been pretty sick, he still has lots of smiles and coos for us. He is the sweetest, happiest baby. We are beyond blessed to be his parents.

The past four months have been the happiest, scariest and most bittersweet of my entire life. I say bittersweet because my happiness came at such a high price for the special woman who gave Garon the gift of life. The night before we left to meet our sweet boy, we wrote a letter Garon’s birthparents. I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness for the loss his birthmother was going to experience when she signed over her parental rights and the grief she would experience for the remainder of her life. I was sad for the birthfather too but my sadness was mostly for her…maybe because I am a woman too. She had the greatest bond with him because she physically carried him for 9 months. She was the one with the biggest burden. Although she was willingly placing Garon for adoption, her sadness and grief are very real and I think the birthmother’s pain gets overshadowed by the joy the adoptive families are experiencing. I hope she has begun to heal from the loss of this very special person who is now our son. However, I know her healing will take a lifetime.

A couple of weeks ago, I purchased Inconceivable by Carolyn and Sean Savage.  It is one of the most moving stories I have ever read. They inadvertenly became pregnant with another couple’s embryo and decided to give the baby the gift of life and reliquish him to his biological parents at birth. They could have chosen to fight for custody of him but the law is on the side of biological parents and they didn’t feel right about not giving him to his biological parents. It seems so unfair that Carolyn could choose to terminate the pregnancy but she couldn’t keep the baby. She could kill him but not raise him. What kind of logic is that? Although their story significantly differs from Garon’s birthparents’ story, the pain of loss is still the same. The Savage’s story made the pain of Garon’s birthparents more real to me and helped me to appreciate even more the gift they gave to Garon, Jason and me. We are a family of three because of their selfless gift. They will probably never get over the loss of Garon. I know they have so many hopes and dreams for him and I hope that we meet and exceed their expectations as parents for the son they still love so much. I hope they will be proud of the man Garon will become and I hope the pictures and updates help to ease their pain just a little and give them peace about his well-being. From one mother to another, I am forever humbled and grateful for the beautiful son she shared with us. Garon has helped heal my very deep wounds of infertility and fill an unimaginable void in my heart. But sadly, my healing is at the cost of her sorrow. But I know God has a plan for her life just like he does for each of us and I know He is helping her heart heal.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Raising another woman's child...

I find the whole concept of "raising another woman's child" more than daunting. For various reasons (mainly because God leads her to), she will choose us to raise her son or daughter. But she is and will always be his or her first mother. I often think about this very courageous, selfless woman who will willingly choose us to raise her child. I don't know what she looks like, where she lives, or what her personality is like but I do know she loves her baby and is choosing what is best for him or her. And I think that makes her an incredible person and an ever better mother. I consider myself more than honored to meet her and raise her child. She is giving us a gift from God that we could not receive otherwise. She is my hero.


Sadly, society has labeled birthmothers as women who abandon their children. I hear all too often: "I could never give up my baby." None of the people I have heard say that have ever walked a mile in a birthmother's shoes. And she is not "giving it up" or abandoning him or her. She is entrusting her child with another family to provide a life for him or her that she is not capable of doing at the present time. Birthmother's are not bad women or neglectful mothers. Yes, some of them have made bad choices, but who hasn't made bad choices? All of our choices have rewards or consequences. A baby may be a consequence of her actions but is certainly not a mistake. God made her baby just like He has made every other baby and God NEVER makes mistakes. I truly believe God will bless her beyond measure for choosing life for her baby instead of abortion. And I will be blessed to meet her, witness her courage and raise and love her child.


Our case worker at the adoption agency told me that most of their birthmothers already have one or more children and simply cannot afford to care for another one. So, courageously, they select an adoptive family to raise their baby. These women are not necessarily drug addicts, prostitutes or promiscuous women, or neglectful/abusive mothers. Remember, these women are freely placing their baby for adoption - NOT having their parental rights terminated. They have not done anything to warrant their child being taken from them. They are simply choosing a better life for their child than they can give them. I think that is selflessness epitomized.


Everyone has opinions, good or bad. I have heard more than my share of those since we began this adoption process. Society is so misinformed about adoption and birthmothers. I have heard more than one person say: "you don't want a baby from that kind of mother." "That kind" ranges from past drug abuse to not practicing safe sex. If someone judged my child on all of my past mistakes, they might not want mine either. In God's eyes her sins are no worse than mine. I see a woman who has made mistakes in the past but is trying to make good choices now. That is something I struggle with all the time. So, regardless of her past, there is a brand new life growing inside her that God miraculously created. When, I consider how big our God is, I have no qualms about opening my heart and my home to her and her baby.


So we are making a FAITH choice to follow where God leads us on this roller coaster adoption journey. And it is a big faith choice - I don't know how or when, but we will have a baby through adoption. And I look forward to every step of meeting our baby's mother, getting to know her (& possibly the father) and loving her, and loving the child she is graciously sharing with us. She will always be the first mommy because she will have loved him or her first. I hope we live up to her expectations because I know she has so many hopes and dreams for her baby.


Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1