The Best 6 Months of My Life

As I sit here holding my sweet boy, I can’t believe he will be 6 months old Friday! It seems so impossible!!! I keep asking myself what happened to the tiny newborn he once was. He is now my sitting, baby food-eating, spitting, laughing, noise-making, cooing, talking, playing, rolling, wiggling, scooting baby boy. He has changed so much over the past few weeks and has really come out of shell. He is constantly making a noise of some kind and he finds it quite entertaining. I took him to the doctor last week for a cold and he weighed 16 lbs. 7 oz. and was 25 inches long. He has grown so much and has the cutest chubby baby legs ever!

June is a very special month for several reasons. Not only will Garon be 6 months old, but Granna has a birthday, Jason will have his very first Father’s Day, and we get to finalize the adoption! Everything is complete - we are just waiting for a hearing date with the judge. It seems so strange that a year ago we didn’t even know about Garon and now we have come to the point where a judge will declare him forever-legally ours! There are no words to express how I feel about that. However, most of the time I forget that he isn’t legally ours yet. It’s kinda weird…we’ve cared for this little person for 6 months while the adoption agency actually has custody of him. I have come to think of myself as his Mama now. It was hard for me to stop thinking of his birthmother as his mom. I don’t know why since she doesn’t live anywhere near us. I have no idea if that’s normal or not! But that feeling has faded.

Please pray for our family as we prepare for the final step in the adoption process and as we continue on our journey as a family of three. We are blessed beyond anything we ever hoped for!

Here are some recent pictures of our baby boy! We are completely smitten with him!

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Baby Blues

I personally know more than a dozen women who have suffered from infertility or have lost at least one child by miscarriage or stillbirth. These women are not internet acquaintances but women who are friends, co-workers and family members. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s a lot considering I’m not an extremely socially-active person. One of those friends emailed me on Facebook several weeks ago about her experiences with infertility and how reading about my experience has helped her. Although, I hoped my blog would help someone in someway, I never really expected it to. Since it has helped her, I hope that God has used my blog to comfort others as well. So this blog post is dedicated to my sweet friend who is suffering so greatly but is walking by faith on this very difficult journey.

If you have never suffered any of the above-mentioned heartaches, I hope you never do. However, no one can begin to imagine the private pain and suffering we have been through. Part of me wonders if we ever completely heal from it. It think maybe it leaves scars to show us how far we’ve come...especially where Jesus has carried us. Obviously, some of us have deeper scars than others and we all handle the grief differently. And yes, grief. Many people don’t realize that with infertility there is a significant amount grieving. We all associate grief with the loss of a baby but maybe not with the loss of the hope for a baby. Hope is so vital to our very being that without hope it is quite easy to find yourself quickly slipping into despair. I am a living, breathing testament that God’s love carried me though those dark days. I am still amazed by how much He loves me because I definitely do not deserve it. He answered EVERY prayer with His perfect plan with His perfect timing. I’m completely baffled by how non-Christians go through life without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. How do they make it during tough times without Him in their hearts? How do they make sense of a personal loss or natural disaster?

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

Unfortunately, grief is something we all become acquainted with at some point in our lives. Each person grieves differently and for various reasons. We mostly associate grief with the death of someone we love – a parent, grandparent, sibling, spouse, child, friend or pet. My personal experiences with grieving have consisted of burying two grandparents, an infant cousin, 3 beloved pets and my dream of having a biological child.

Not that I think I could ever really prepare for grieving my family members and pets who have gone to heaven but it is a very natural grieving experience – one that everyone expects and understands. However, I was not at all prepared for the extraordinarily profound grief I would experience when burying my dream of having a biological child.

I have always wanted a child. I have never really thought about how many children I would have just that I wanted to have them. The natural thoughts of every woman is that you get pregnant and give birth to a biological child. That’s how we are designed and it’s supposed to work that way. I have known for more than 12 years that it would be difficult, if not impossible, for us to have a baby of our own. But, when you are 18 years old and not ready for a baby it feels differently than it does when you are 30 and ready for one.

One by one family members and friends were having babies and my desire for that mother-baby bond was growing stronger. I had researched options for us having a biological child. The only procedure I could find that had been successful for couples where the male spouse has Kartagener’s Syndrome was IVF with intracytoplasmic sperm injection. In April 2008, my OB-GYN tested my husband and confirmed this would be our only option for having our own child. We were not devastated by this news – we expected it. We were really just in the beginning stages of talking about “starting a family.” We talked about this option and adoption. Both were very expensive and we were very apprehensive about the IVF procedure. We were concerned about passing on a genetic condition to our child and IVF increases that risk. We did not want to knowingly create a baby with a birth defect of any kind, especially knowing the family history.

At what point did the grief really begin? I’m not really sure. I know that each time someone I knew announced their new addition my heart ached a little more. It isn’t that I wasn’t happy for them – I was just sad for us. Sad that we weren’t experiencing the joy that comes with knowing that you will soon be parents to a perfect bundle of joy. I soon realized that the other women I knew were so overjoyed with their exciting news that they seemed to forget the sadness of our situation. I don’t think it was purposefully overlooked at all. We all get caught up in ourselves and our own lives and we forget about the pain others are experiencing. I am guilty of that too. I also tried very hard to put on a very brave face and not let my emotions show. I was very private about our experience and that may have contributed to some of the unintentional unkind words. I was grieving and didn’t even realize it. I look back now and see the progression of that grief and wonder if I had recognized it for what it was maybe I would not have had the major meltdown I experienced several months ago.

My world came to a crashing halt when a family member announced her pregnancy with very little thought or consideration for my feelings. I was happy for her just really disappointed in her. I know she was happy and wanted to share that with me. I just wasn’t at a place where I could do that yet. I needed a little time to absorb the news. If she had told me her exciting news with more compassion I do think I would have accepted it better. But I’ll never know. In the following months, I experienced some of the darkest days I have ever known. I hope I never feel that gut-wrenching pain ever again. It was the ever-present reminder that I would not have a biological child.

I was grieving very deeply – not only for a baby but for a family that didn’t understand my grief. None of them knew how to help me or understand me because none of them had experienced the grief of infertility. I know they prayed for me and for that I am extremely grateful. The home study was finally complete and we were waiting to get on the active family waiting list. My family couldn’t understand why I wasn’t super excited about that. It isn’t that I wasn’t excited about it. I was very happy that the home study was complete and we had moved to the next step. But it’s so different from being pregnant. We didn’t have a specific date that we were expecting our baby to be born. So, planning for our baby was a bit different from biological parents. I wanted to share some of my happiness with my family but it seemed so pointless. I almost felt silly making some preparations because we didn’t know how long we would wait. I definitely didn’t want an empty nursery and we didn’t know if we would have a girl or boy.

And then you have those well-meaning people who think they are cheering you up or being funny by making jokes about your not having a baby. I have heard more inappropriate comments regarding “baby-making” than I ever care to hear. And others tell you that not being able to have a baby isn’t the end of the world. But it definitely feels like it. Really, I don’t think there is much you can say to someone experiencing infertility that really helps.

I had never felt more alone in my entire life. I didn’t want to talk to my husband about it. I didn’t want him to feel that I blamed him for our not being able to have a baby. It is not his fault…it just happened that way. I don’t blame him at all. And given the choice between him and a child I would choose him every time. I already loved him and in my heart he was, is and always will be irreplaceable. I also don’t blame God either. He does allow things to happen in our lives. I have never thought God was punishing us. However, I had no idea the indescribable blessing He had planned for us. At some point I reached the darkest day I had ever had. I picked up my Bible and opened it. My eyes locked on this verse: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18 God revealed to me in that moment that He had not left my side. In the midst of my grief I just didn’t see him. I held on the that verse and still lean on it today. I remember how He displayed his love for me that night by showing me that verse.

I had many more bumpy days that were very hard but the light began to seep back into my life the night I read that verse. The worst was the 3 weeks we were uncertain about Garon’s birthmom changing her mind. Then when we found out she still wanted to follow through with the adoption but her doctor would not induce until she was 2 weeks late (which would have been Christmas Eve). But Garon was born on the perfect day God appointed for him. We still do not know why her doctor decided to induce just 1 day past his due date…but whatever his reason God designed it.

God answered all my prayers when Garon was born. And I see God’s love every time I look at my beautiful son. My grief still exists. But it’s more of a pinch not the severe empty ache it once was. My grief is now more from the experience and now knowing the happiness I have with Garon is at another woman’s expense. I believe with all my heart we made the right choice in choosing adoption. But as a fellow adoptive mother said: “The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into someone familiar, but changed.” - Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother

I don’t know your personal story but if infertility has been a burden for you, don’t be afraid of pursuing adoption. It is another option to fill your desperately empty arms. Our social worker told us that a decision regarding adoption is sometimes as simple as deciding if you want to be pregnant or want to be a parent.

Here are a couple of websites/blogs that were helpful to me…I hope they will be helpful to you as well!
www.rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com - Rebekah talks about her grief, her adopted son and her relationship with her son’s birth mom
www.godspeakstoday.net - Sandy has a tremendous testimony and great food for thought
www.devotions.proverbs31.org - Great devotions

Healed by grace,
Laura

My Overwhelming Joy at Her Expense

Wow…Garon is 4 months old now and we are getting ready to embark on a new adventure with him…solids foods and a high chair!!! It does not seem possible that 4 months ago today we signed the mountain of paperwork stating that we would be his forever parents. Garon slept soundly in his isolette the entire time. I felt sorry for him. It seemed so sad that for those few minutes he didn’t have parents. His birthparents had relinquished their rights and we were in the process of signing the adoption papers. Finally, Jason asked if we could at least see him. I was afraid to ask…I didn’t know what they would say. It felt like we were in limbo. Of course, they said we could see him. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen in my life. He was perfect from head to toe. Then we finished signing our papers. However, we are eagerly awaiting the day the judge will make us his legal parents in a couple of months – What a wonderful day that will be!!

Garon has had his first real illness – a nasty ear infection. Poor baby didn’t start crying until it was just unbearable. The doctor said he had had the infection for several days and we just didn’t know it. He didn’t cry or have fever. However, he did show a few signs that now I realize were indications that he was getting sick. So, now we know what to look for if he gets another ear infection – and I’m sure he will. He also had his first diaper rash from the antibiotics but that is getting much better now. And to top it off, Daddy was out of town while he was sick…being a “single” parent with a sick baby is not easy. I have so much respect for all single moms out there! If my parents hadn’t helped out some I have no idea if we would have survived! But now Daddy is back and we are settling back into our comfortable routine as a family of three. Although Garon has been pretty sick, he still has lots of smiles and coos for us. He is the sweetest, happiest baby. We are beyond blessed to be his parents.

The past four months have been the happiest, scariest and most bittersweet of my entire life. I say bittersweet because my happiness came at such a high price for the special woman who gave Garon the gift of life. The night before we left to meet our sweet boy, we wrote a letter Garon’s birthparents. I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness for the loss his birthmother was going to experience when she signed over her parental rights and the grief she would experience for the remainder of her life. I was sad for the birthfather too but my sadness was mostly for her…maybe because I am a woman too. She had the greatest bond with him because she physically carried him for 9 months. She was the one with the biggest burden. Although she was willingly placing Garon for adoption, her sadness and grief are very real and I think the birthmother’s pain gets overshadowed by the joy the adoptive families are experiencing. I hope she has begun to heal from the loss of this very special person who is now our son. However, I know her healing will take a lifetime.

A couple of weeks ago, I purchased Inconceivable by Carolyn and Sean Savage.  It is one of the most moving stories I have ever read. They inadvertenly became pregnant with another couple’s embryo and decided to give the baby the gift of life and reliquish him to his biological parents at birth. They could have chosen to fight for custody of him but the law is on the side of biological parents and they didn’t feel right about not giving him to his biological parents. It seems so unfair that Carolyn could choose to terminate the pregnancy but she couldn’t keep the baby. She could kill him but not raise him. What kind of logic is that? Although their story significantly differs from Garon’s birthparents’ story, the pain of loss is still the same. The Savage’s story made the pain of Garon’s birthparents more real to me and helped me to appreciate even more the gift they gave to Garon, Jason and me. We are a family of three because of their selfless gift. They will probably never get over the loss of Garon. I know they have so many hopes and dreams for him and I hope that we meet and exceed their expectations as parents for the son they still love so much. I hope they will be proud of the man Garon will become and I hope the pictures and updates help to ease their pain just a little and give them peace about his well-being. From one mother to another, I am forever humbled and grateful for the beautiful son she shared with us. Garon has helped heal my very deep wounds of infertility and fill an unimaginable void in my heart. But sadly, my healing is at the cost of her sorrow. But I know God has a plan for her life just like he does for each of us and I know He is helping her heart heal.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Adoption Story - Part Two

Wow...so much has happened since I posted Part 1 of our adoption story. We discussed and prayed about some controversial issues, God has spoken to us loud and clear, we had a few bumps in the road, and we traveled 1,500 miles across the country to get our tiny baby boy. So, here is Part 2...


I suppose I'll start with the controversial part. My doctor suggested we use a sperm donor since we don't think I have any fertility problems (although I do have endometriosis - it is not severe). I have always been extremely against this, period. But my doctor had a very valid point - we could control the prenatal care and the baby would at least be 1/2 me. And using a sperm donor would cost $5,000 versus the roughly $30,000 fee for domestic adoption. So, we decided to pray about it and see what God had to say. Of course, I asked for a bright, blinking neon sign. Sometimes God sends those and sometimes He speaks in a still, small voice. I had no idea how He would respond to this prayer but He definitely responded. The next Sunday in church Bro. Buddy's sermon was on marriage and how there is not room for 3 people in a marriage. Well, using a sperm donor adds a third person. I don't want a third person in my marriage. Then, out of the blue I picked up the Home Life magazine on the way out of church and there was a long article on adoption. I had never picked up the magazine before. So, I think it was pretty clear God was speaking to me about our decision. This was the first time I remember God speaking that loudly to me. But still, I kept thinking maybe God would tell me something differently...mainly because of the money. But He kept speaking to me in His still, small voice that adoption was the right road for us. Although, I didn't get a burning bush, God still spoke very clearly to me. So, we decided to stick with the adoption plan. I know God is bigger than any issue we may have and we prayed that God would set aside the perfect baby for us, that God would protect his parents and him, and that he would inherit the best of both of them. God is bigger than prenatal care, or the lack thereof. "And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice." (I Kings 19:11-12).

In August, we needed one last step to complete our home study - the Newborn Education Class. I tried to schedule a private one at a local hospital but I never could get the lady to call me back. So I finally called another hospital and a lady there helped me find a hospital in town that offers the class. I called that hospital and they were offering the class that night - otherwise we'd have to wait until October. So, we went that night and we had a great time - so much more fun than we ever thought it would be! God worked that out for us too...He knew we didn't need to wait until October! By September we were officially on the active waiting families list at Heart to Heart. The social worker told us our wait would be shorter because we were open to either boy or girl. She said the waiting list for a girl was long and 2010 was the year for boys. We still had no idea how short our wait would be! We got quite a shock when she told us what the fee was for a Caucasian baby. We thought the range on their website was based on how much care the baby's mother required but it isn't...it's based on the race of the child. We wanted a Caucasian baby because we wanted the child to feel as much a part of our family as possible and it not be obvious to the whole world that he is adopted. That being said, all babies of all races deserve a good home. But like our social worker said, each adoptive family needs to go the route they are most comfortable with. There are enough bumps in the road without making the road any more rough. So we were $10,000 short and that didn't include our travel expenses (flight, hotel, etc). We almost backed out and told the agency we would have to wait until we could save some more money but God took care of the money we lacked. When God has a plan, nothing will deter the fulfillment of that plan. He already knew when and where we would go and who our baby would be. He knows the end from the beginning...He sits outside time. "Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please." (Isaiah 46:9-10).


In October, our agency called about 3 different birthmothers - all three expecting baby boys. The first birthmother chose another family. The second decided to parent. The third wanted to talk to us and another family. We talked them and our conversation went great. We talked about everything from weather to what they looked like, their hobbies, and their families. We didn't know if they would choose us or not but we were thankful for the experience of talking to them. Then our social worker called and they wanted to talk to us one more time before they made their decision. So we talked to them a week later and they chose us on Nov. 11. His due date was Dec. 10 - less than a month away. His mother had been receiving prenatal care, no drugs/alcohol/smoking and both parents were willing to sign the termination of parental rights - God took care of those worries! We were very excited - cautious - but excited. Then, our social worker went out of town for a couple of weeks and no one at the agency was able to really talk to our birthmother. It was really beginning to look like she was going to change her mind. If she changed her mind we would just go back on the list but we would also lose some money. I was really concerned about that because we couldn't afford to lose a lot. But then one of the girls filling in for our social worker told me that we would only lose what they had actually spent on our birthmother, not half of the adoption fee (which was what I thought). Then, the following Monday, our social worker called and said our birthmother still wanted to place her son with us. We were still somewhat anxious and didn't want to fly out until she signed the papers. Then Wednesday, she called back and said he would be born Friday (on his due date). Finally, Friday came and he was born, a happy and healthy 7 pounds and 19.5 inches, ten fingers and ten toes. We then flew to AZ on Sunday to get him. It was the most surreal experience of my entire life. God was there and everything was perfect. Her room number was my birthday and we adopted him on my dad's birthday. Grandma would have been tickled! Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)


We stayed in AZ for 10 days. They went by really fast. I would never have dreamed they would go by really fast but they did. Our days revolved around him and we were constantly doing something for him. We stayed in an Extended Stay America Hotel which provided a small kitchenette and washeteria. I think we spent $30 washing clothes during those 10 days. We met with our baby's birthparents three times. It was a true blessing to meet them and get to know them as real people. One day we will be able to tell our son all about them. We got to see a part of the country we had never seen before. I had never seen the desert or mountains with cacti on them. The mountains really are purple at sunset! And God was there. Then we flew home on Dec. 22 - over the Grand Canyon (which we couldn't see for the clouds) and the Great Salt Lake into SLC. We saw the most beautiful snow covered mountains from the SLC airport. Then flew across Utah, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, and Arkansas into Memphis, then home. God was there too. "...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)


For months I had been so sure this was God's plan for us. Then, my faith really started to falter when we thought our birthmother was going to change her mind. I'm so ashamed of that. But God fulfilled his promise. We have our baby boy and he's our perfect gift from God. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

I hope our story touches your heart and you can see how God has blessed us throughout the entire adoption process. I have seen more of God's handiwork this year than I have in my entire life. He is still very busy and it's an incredible testament of how much He loves His children. I firmly believe the fertility options would have failed. But if they hadn't we wouldn't have this child and we wouldn't trade him for the world. God has turned infertility into a beautiful, indescribable blessing for us. This child is our son that God hand-picked for us. He has a very special plan for this little boy's life and I'm beyond blessed to be his mother.

Two Becomes Three

Wow...what an adventure! We traveled 1500 miles across the country to get our sweet baby boy. I can't believe how fast time is already flying by. We never imagined we would be parents so quickly. The average wait time for a Caucasian baby at our agency is 8-12 months. We brought our baby boy home 3 short months after being on the waiting list.


On that very first Christmas 2,000 years ago, God gave me His Son. This year He gave me mine. God has a very special plan for our little boy and we look forward to all God has in store for him and us. God has done immeasurably more than we could ever have imagined!

"He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20

Raising another woman's child...

I find the whole concept of "raising another woman's child" more than daunting. For various reasons (mainly because God leads her to), she will choose us to raise her son or daughter. But she is and will always be his or her first mother. I often think about this very courageous, selfless woman who will willingly choose us to raise her child. I don't know what she looks like, where she lives, or what her personality is like but I do know she loves her baby and is choosing what is best for him or her. And I think that makes her an incredible person and an ever better mother. I consider myself more than honored to meet her and raise her child. She is giving us a gift from God that we could not receive otherwise. She is my hero.


Sadly, society has labeled birthmothers as women who abandon their children. I hear all too often: "I could never give up my baby." None of the people I have heard say that have ever walked a mile in a birthmother's shoes. And she is not "giving it up" or abandoning him or her. She is entrusting her child with another family to provide a life for him or her that she is not capable of doing at the present time. Birthmother's are not bad women or neglectful mothers. Yes, some of them have made bad choices, but who hasn't made bad choices? All of our choices have rewards or consequences. A baby may be a consequence of her actions but is certainly not a mistake. God made her baby just like He has made every other baby and God NEVER makes mistakes. I truly believe God will bless her beyond measure for choosing life for her baby instead of abortion. And I will be blessed to meet her, witness her courage and raise and love her child.


Our case worker at the adoption agency told me that most of their birthmothers already have one or more children and simply cannot afford to care for another one. So, courageously, they select an adoptive family to raise their baby. These women are not necessarily drug addicts, prostitutes or promiscuous women, or neglectful/abusive mothers. Remember, these women are freely placing their baby for adoption - NOT having their parental rights terminated. They have not done anything to warrant their child being taken from them. They are simply choosing a better life for their child than they can give them. I think that is selflessness epitomized.


Everyone has opinions, good or bad. I have heard more than my share of those since we began this adoption process. Society is so misinformed about adoption and birthmothers. I have heard more than one person say: "you don't want a baby from that kind of mother." "That kind" ranges from past drug abuse to not practicing safe sex. If someone judged my child on all of my past mistakes, they might not want mine either. In God's eyes her sins are no worse than mine. I see a woman who has made mistakes in the past but is trying to make good choices now. That is something I struggle with all the time. So, regardless of her past, there is a brand new life growing inside her that God miraculously created. When, I consider how big our God is, I have no qualms about opening my heart and my home to her and her baby.


So we are making a FAITH choice to follow where God leads us on this roller coaster adoption journey. And it is a big faith choice - I don't know how or when, but we will have a baby through adoption. And I look forward to every step of meeting our baby's mother, getting to know her (& possibly the father) and loving her, and loving the child she is graciously sharing with us. She will always be the first mommy because she will have loved him or her first. I hope we live up to her expectations because I know she has so many hopes and dreams for her baby.


Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1

Adoption Story - Part 1

So...how did we get here? We met 12 years ago at a local community college and fell in love. Early on we discussed that having children would be an obstacle for us. However, neither of us was really concerned about it at the time...we were still "kids" ourselves and had all the time in the world. We dated for 6 years, got married and here we are another 6 years down the road. The past 12 years have had their ups and downs but we have made it and have grown closer than we could have imagined. We have been talking about our options for starting our family. The only way we could have a baby of our own is via in vitro fertilization with intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection - that is just a lot of fancy words for a VERY expensive, complex procedure. Even this procedure is no guarantee. We could spend $15,000-$20,000 and have a baby or have nothing to show for our money except a lot of debt and a broken heart.

We have prayed about this so much and we really feel God pointing us toward adoption. We really didn't seriously start pursuing adoption until October, 2010. I began researching and talking to friends about how and where to start - It is amazing how God has put these special people in our path to help us with our adoption process. In the beginning it seemed like this never-ending ordeal that was going to cost a fortune...and it still does but more on that a little later. We have come so far yet still have a ways to go. But God has opened so many doors for us with perfect timing that it really confirms that this is His plan for us.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11