I personally know more than a dozen women who have suffered from infertility or have lost at least one child by miscarriage or stillbirth. These women are not internet acquaintances but women who are friends, co-workers and family members. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s a lot considering I’m not an extremely socially-active person. One of those friends emailed me on Facebook several weeks ago about her experiences with infertility and how reading about my experience has helped her. Although, I hoped my blog would help someone in someway, I never really expected it to. Since it has helped her, I hope that God has used my blog to comfort others as well. So this blog post is dedicated to my sweet friend who is suffering so greatly but is walking by faith on this very difficult journey.
If you have never suffered any of the above-mentioned heartaches, I hope you never do. However, no one can begin to imagine the private pain and suffering we have been through. Part of me wonders if we ever completely heal from it. It think maybe it leaves scars to show us how far we’ve come...especially where Jesus has carried us. Obviously, some of us have deeper scars than others and we all handle the grief differently. And yes, grief. Many people don’t realize that with infertility there is a significant amount grieving. We all associate grief with the loss of a baby but maybe not with the loss of the hope for a baby. Hope is so vital to our very being that without hope it is quite easy to find yourself quickly slipping into despair. I am a living, breathing testament that God’s love carried me though those dark days. I am still amazed by how much He loves me because I definitely do not deserve it. He answered EVERY prayer with His perfect plan with His perfect timing. I’m completely baffled by how non-Christians go through life without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. How do they make it during tough times without Him in their hearts? How do they make sense of a personal loss or natural disaster?
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
Unfortunately, grief is something we all become acquainted with at some point in our lives. Each person grieves differently and for various reasons. We mostly associate grief with the death of someone we love – a parent, grandparent, sibling, spouse, child, friend or pet. My personal experiences with grieving have consisted of burying two grandparents, an infant cousin, 3 beloved pets and my dream of having a biological child.
Not that I think I could ever really prepare for grieving my family members and pets who have gone to heaven but it is a very natural grieving experience – one that everyone expects and understands. However, I was not at all prepared for the extraordinarily profound grief I would experience when burying my dream of having a biological child.
I have always wanted a child. I have never really thought about how many children I would have just that I wanted to have them. The natural thoughts of every woman is that you get pregnant and give birth to a biological child. That’s how we are designed and it’s supposed to work that way. I have known for more than 12 years that it would be difficult, if not impossible, for us to have a baby of our own. But, when you are 18 years old and not ready for a baby it feels differently than it does when you are 30 and ready for one.
One by one family members and friends were having babies and my desire for that mother-baby bond was growing stronger. I had researched options for us having a biological child. The only procedure I could find that had been successful for couples where the male spouse has Kartagener’s Syndrome was IVF with intracytoplasmic sperm injection. In April 2008, my OB-GYN tested my husband and confirmed this would be our only option for having our own child. We were not devastated by this news – we expected it. We were really just in the beginning stages of talking about “starting a family.” We talked about this option and adoption. Both were very expensive and we were very apprehensive about the IVF procedure. We were concerned about passing on a genetic condition to our child and IVF increases that risk. We did not want to knowingly create a baby with a birth defect of any kind, especially knowing the family history.
At what point did the grief really begin? I’m not really sure. I know that each time someone I knew announced their new addition my heart ached a little more. It isn’t that I wasn’t happy for them – I was just sad for us. Sad that we weren’t experiencing the joy that comes with knowing that you will soon be parents to a perfect bundle of joy. I soon realized that the other women I knew were so overjoyed with their exciting news that they seemed to forget the sadness of our situation. I don’t think it was purposefully overlooked at all. We all get caught up in ourselves and our own lives and we forget about the pain others are experiencing. I am guilty of that too. I also tried very hard to put on a very brave face and not let my emotions show. I was very private about our experience and that may have contributed to some of the unintentional unkind words. I was grieving and didn’t even realize it. I look back now and see the progression of that grief and wonder if I had recognized it for what it was maybe I would not have had the major meltdown I experienced several months ago.
My world came to a crashing halt when a family member announced her pregnancy with very little thought or consideration for my feelings. I was happy for her just really disappointed in her. I know she was happy and wanted to share that with me. I just wasn’t at a place where I could do that yet. I needed a little time to absorb the news. If she had told me her exciting news with more compassion I do think I would have accepted it better. But I’ll never know. In the following months, I experienced some of the darkest days I have ever known. I hope I never feel that gut-wrenching pain ever again. It was the ever-present reminder that I would not have a biological child.
I was grieving very deeply – not only for a baby but for a family that didn’t understand my grief. None of them knew how to help me or understand me because none of them had experienced the grief of infertility. I know they prayed for me and for that I am extremely grateful. The home study was finally complete and we were waiting to get on the active family waiting list. My family couldn’t understand why I wasn’t super excited about that. It isn’t that I wasn’t excited about it. I was very happy that the home study was complete and we had moved to the next step. But it’s so different from being pregnant. We didn’t have a specific date that we were expecting our baby to be born. So, planning for our baby was a bit different from biological parents. I wanted to share some of my happiness with my family but it seemed so pointless. I almost felt silly making some preparations because we didn’t know how long we would wait. I definitely didn’t want an empty nursery and we didn’t know if we would have a girl or boy.
And then you have those well-meaning people who think they are cheering you up or being funny by making jokes about your not having a baby. I have heard more inappropriate comments regarding “baby-making” than I ever care to hear. And others tell you that not being able to have a baby isn’t the end of the world. But it definitely feels like it. Really, I don’t think there is much you can say to someone experiencing infertility that really helps.
I had never felt more alone in my entire life. I didn’t want to talk to my husband about it. I didn’t want him to feel that I blamed him for our not being able to have a baby. It is not his fault…it just happened that way. I don’t blame him at all. And given the choice between him and a child I would choose him every time. I already loved him and in my heart he was, is and always will be irreplaceable. I also don’t blame God either. He does allow things to happen in our lives. I have never thought God was punishing us. However, I had no idea the indescribable blessing He had planned for us. At some point I reached the darkest day I had ever had. I picked up my Bible and opened it. My eyes locked on this verse: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18 God revealed to me in that moment that He had not left my side. In the midst of my grief I just didn’t see him. I held on the that verse and still lean on it today. I remember how He displayed his love for me that night by showing me that verse.
I had many more bumpy days that were very hard but the light began to seep back into my life the night I read that verse. The worst was the 3 weeks we were uncertain about Garon’s birthmom changing her mind. Then when we found out she still wanted to follow through with the adoption but her doctor would not induce until she was 2 weeks late (which would have been Christmas Eve). But Garon was born on the perfect day God appointed for him. We still do not know why her doctor decided to induce just 1 day past his due date…but whatever his reason God designed it.
God answered all my prayers when Garon was born. And I see God’s love every time I look at my beautiful son. My grief still exists. But it’s more of a pinch not the severe empty ache it once was. My grief is now more from the experience and now knowing the happiness I have with Garon is at another woman’s expense. I believe with all my heart we made the right choice in choosing adoption. But as a fellow adoptive mother said: “The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into someone familiar, but changed.” - Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother
I don’t know your personal story but if infertility has been a burden for you, don’t be afraid of pursuing adoption. It is another option to fill your desperately empty arms. Our social worker told us that a decision regarding adoption is sometimes as simple as deciding if you want to be pregnant or want to be a parent.
Here are a couple of websites/blogs that were helpful to me…I hope they will be helpful to you as well!
www.rebekahpinchback.blogspot.com - Rebekah talks about her grief, her adopted son and her relationship with her son’s birth mom
www.godspeakstoday.net - Sandy has a tremendous testimony and great food for thought
www.devotions.proverbs31.org - Great devotions
Healed by grace,
Laura
